I’m back suckers! After just shy of ten pounds of slightly undercooked turkey, a ridiculous amount of stuffing, and two whole pumpkin pies I believe I am the most suitable “expert” around to give you the lay of the land for week 12. The best thing about the long weekend is that my doctor is on vacation in Tahiti or some other warm tropical place us filthy peasants could never afford to go. Why would Dr. Jameson’s vacation be of note you may ask? Well that forgetful, overpaid pill pusher forgot to get my refill sent over. This means you, yes you, get the privilege, nay the honor of reading my latest uncensored and most importantly unmedicated ramblings! (RIGHT LADDIE!!!????) So… go pick up a mega millions ticket because you haven’t been this lucky since your wedding night! So… follow me you unwashed masses and grab your pitchforks! (You are filthy peasants in this fairy tale, remember???) Let’s slay this monster!
Buccaneers at Falcons
Prediction X: Ryan Smith played awful for Tampa Bay in relief of Vernon Hargreaves against Miami, expect that Matt Ryan will take notice and abuse him regularly. In fact Smith may need to file a protective order by the end of the game.
Prediction C: With Jameis Winston hanging around the sideline Ryan Fitzpatrick will be slinging the ball for the Bucs. Do you remember when he threw 6 interceptions against the Chiefs? Well he will attempt to double down and beat his own abysmal record. Expect 7 interceptions on the day.
Prediction V: As much as I want to go with the experts in this matchup I just can’t imagine a pirate losing a fight with a bird. I mean they make birds their shoulder fashion statement. Bucs win after clipping the Falcons wings.
Browns at Bengals
Prediction 1: In a battle of the B’s the hapless team from Cleveland will try to eek out their first win on the season. It won’t happen. Sorry Browns fans.
Prediction 2: Ham sandwich.
Prediction 3: The leagues favorite ginger will become the spokeman for the Foundation for Gingivitis Prevention and Awareness. Thank you Andy Dalton. You provide a service that will be greatly appreciated by people everywhere.
The Titans at The Colts
Prediction A: Wow, did you see the Titans get spanked last week? After having their pants pulled down and soundly beat with Ol’ Spanky on national television expect Tennessee to bounce back in a big way. Titans 31 Colts 12.
Prediction B: Andrew Luck will have the most rockin’ neckbeard in all of Indianapolis come Sunday.
Prediction C: With Jacoby Brissett in the concussion protocol there is a real possibility of seeing Scott Tolzien under center this weekend. Brian Arakpo just wet himself a little bit.
The Bills at The Chiefs
Prediction I: Tyrod Taylor is back and ready to help the reeling Bills right the wrongs that have been done in his absence. Alas it will not be enough. Chiefs win it at home.
Prediction II: With the recent signing of Revis, Phillip Gaines (FINALLY) will not start in the Chiefs secondary. It only took Andy a couple years to realize Gaines is out of his element playing corner. He will now be relegated to the title of Chief Executive Delivery Boy in charge of Pizza Allocation and Crust Removal. (Reid doesn’t like the crust. Weird, I know right?)
Prediction III: Alex Smith is still Alex Smith, but he is by far the best option for starting quarterback the good guys from KC. He should rebound from his recent woes against a Buffalo team that ranks 30th against the pass. Smith will connect for 3 touchdown passes and post a passer rating over 100.
Dolphins at Patriots
Prediction 9: [Insert witty comment here] Haha, I’m so [Insert self praise here].
Prediction 8: Cutler is out and Moore is in for Miami. May God have mercy on his soul.
Prediction 7: Pats win. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Like a tiny vurp.
Panthers at The Jets
Prediction a: Cam Newton is going to have a field day against the Jets secondary connecting on 80% of his passes with 4 touchdowns
Prediction b: Who would you pick in a fight, Josh McCown or Luke Kuechly? That’s what I thought. Kuechly wins and it wouldn’t even be close. I don’t know why I asked this question. It may have something to do with my dogs throwing down in the living room right now.
Prediction c: Panthers shoot down the Jets handily 28 to 14. I just got a mental image of a live panther holding a RPG taking down a 747. I fully expect some government agency tracking the rest of my keystrokes after writing that. Oh well, I guess that’s just one more CIA watchlist I’m now on. Eventually they are going to get tired of spending millions tracking my every move. On that day I will strike. Oh yes I will….. I mean, I’m just a normal everyday American. I like Coca Cola and Nascar. No need to investigate my involvement with…. with no-one. Move along Agent Smith.
Duh Bears at De Eagles
Prediction ONE: The only thing hotter out of Philadelphia than the Eagles right now are the cheesesteaks. Look for Philly to continue their winning ways against Chi town.
Prediction TWO: Mitch Trubisky will show flashes of why he was the first quarterback chosen in the 2017 draft, but ultimately his inexperience will force him into some subject throws with one of them being brought back for six.
Prediction THREE: Former Chiefs coach Doug Pederson has his ball club aimed in the right direction, on the flip side of this coin Bears coach John Fox is battling for his job. With this loss the rumors will ramp up that Fox is being let go. It could very well come sooner than expected and John could be without a job this time next week.
The Saints at The Rams
Prediction A1A: With New Orleans and Los Angeles both playing so well this game will come down to the wire and only a turnover in the 4th quarter will separate these evenly matched foes. Rams 31 Saints 28.
Prediction A2A: The Saints are on a roll and a late turnover will go in their favor helping them to extend their winning streak. Saints 32 Rams 28
Prediction A3A: I seriously have no idea who is going to win this game. This will probably be the game of the week with several highlights. If you get a chance, even if you hate the “Who Dat” nonsense, you should watch this one.
Seahawks at The 49ers
Prediction B1: It would seem that San Francisco developed Alzheimer’s and totally forgot that they traded for Jimmy Garoppolo. They will sacrifice CJ Beathard to the Seattle defense as tribute for their negligence.
Prediction B1A: Even with a short week the Seattle D will be well enough rested to accept the pitiful sacrifice offered by the 49ers. 6 sacks shall be his punishment. THE GREAT CHEYENNE HAS SPOKEN! [Remind me to look up my genealogy… I’m sure I have some Indian Chief in me… it stems from always feeling so sure of myself. I’m 110% positive.]
Prediction B1B: Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson will be the only bright spot in the Seattle rushing offense churning out a team leading 55 yards and 1 touchdown.
Jaguars at Cardinals
Prediction C1A: I can’t believe I am typing this. THE JAGUARS ARE A GOOD TEAM. They boast the number 1 passing defense in the league. Don’t expect much from Blaine Gabbert.
Prediction C1B: Adrian Peterson has shown the league that he wasn’t ready to hang up the cleats. He will get his in this game rushing for over 150 yards and two touchdowns.
Prediction C1C: The Jaguars will ultimately win the day with their stifling pass rushers. The Cardinals have already allowed 28 sacks this year. That number will be pushed beyond 33 by the time the fat lady sings.
Broncos at Raiders
The Raiders will win because Denver is a hot mess right now. Teammates fighting each other (two different fights), guys getting cut for being late to practice, Talib getting a stern talking to on the sideline by Elway, and even a post practice cry. All this happened on Thanksgiving. Denver is a train wreck and Oakland will exploit the confusion. Oh by the way, Denver sucks, Oakland sucks. That is all.
Packers at Steelers
Prediction I: With Aaron Rodgers out the Packers have no chance of taking down the Steelers. Pittsburgh wins and it won’t be close. Watch paint dry for a more exciting time.
Prediction II: Mike Tomlin will up his game and move on from tripping players to full on tackling them. I will take a moment here to say I used to like Mike Tomlin. Now I can’t stand the guy. So I am very biased. That said Pittsburgh is a team that will be pushing deep in a playoff run.
Prediction III: Heinz Field will be abuzz with the defensive slaughter that will take place. They shall battle for the amusement of the masses. Green Bay has already surrendered 36 sacks this season. Could that be why Aaron Rodgers is hurt???
The Texans at The Ravens
Prediction IV: Baltimore is riding the hot hand with a beatdown of the woeful Packers and will keep the streak alive, gut checking the Texans to the tune of 34 to 9.
Prediction V: Tom Savage will toss two interceptions getting nowhere in the passing game registering a week worst 62 passer rating.
Prediction VI: Baltimore will be the first NFL stadium to enact the Heilios Rule. This rule states that at no time are you allowed to speak in a men’s restroom. This should be common-sense but, I swear to you a guy at Home Depot earlier today must have been lonely or something. He was trying to get a full on conversation going with anyone in the restroom. The Heilios Rule is that you walk in, pick an abnormality in the tile directly in front of you and look only at it until you are ready to leave the urinal. No chit-chat, no friendly banter. Keep your mouth shut.
So what do you guys think? Am I on to something here? Write your congressman about enacting the Heilios Rule of 2017. With your help we can get this rule made into law.
Comment below and let me know how absolutely awesome I am. I need the praise and attention. It helps me keep the voices away. Sweet, sweet voices that love fire. Oh and the voices also love Oreos. Send me Oreos. As always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!!!
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