Hi guys! Your favorite person on the planet here. I’ve had such a busy week with Christmas (I got a Stretch Armstrong! Jealous?) and being awesome that I have hardly had time to myself to think of how to properly entertain you on this glorious Saturday morning. It is week 17 and all of the Chiefs Kingdom is pumped to see backup Patrick Mahomes take his chances in the spotlight. My first prediction is that Mahomes comes out swinging and sets the world on fire lighting up the Broncos defense and exploiting the secondary with pinpoint throws and deep bombs. This fantastic showing will have John Dorsey, the new GM of the hapless Cleveland Browns, salivating and ready to offer a kings ransom to get the future Chiefs signal caller in the land of misery and woes. (Thats Cleveland by the way.) With 2 first round picks and 3 second rounders Dorsey has an arsenal to get the job done. Just imagine him trading 2 firsts and 2 seconds for Patrick. One first this year, one next and both second rounders this year. This could potentially push us over the top. I am honestly not sure who was the bigger Mahomes fan, Reid or Dorsey. If it were really John who was pushing for the Texas Tech signal caller this could wind up being a real possibility. With Alex Smith playing the best football of his career and quarterbacks playing well into their late 30’s and early 40’s Smith could be around for the foreseeable future.
With what I have just typed I can see you calling me a stark raving mad lunatic who needs to seriously have his head checked. Granted. But did you ever once think to yourself, Man, John is just awesome. How can I ever strive to be as super cool as him? Now that I have your attention and your blood boiling… here are your asinine predictions for week 17!
Panthers at Falcons
Prediction A: Matt Ryan is still fuming over the loss last week against the Saints and will come in to his final home game ready for blood. A Panther can bleed as well as anything else. The Falcons will sink their talons into the Panthers winning 28 to 21.
Prediction B: Cam Newton will wear a stupid hat. Maybe its just me but I don’t understand the hats he wears. Maybe we should all pitch in and get him an Alex Smith signed Chiefs hat to wear to his press conference? I have 5 bucks to spare.
Prediction C: Julio Jones will snag 4 touchdown passes and have a career day with over 250 yards receiving.
Bengals at Ravens
Prediction 1: This game will be as close to Thunderdome as the NFL will allow. 2 coaches enter, 1 couch may leave! Seriously though,this will be the last hurrah for Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis and it will be one that will leave him saltier than a pretzel with no cheese. Ravens win and it won’t be close.
Prediction 2: With this win the Ravens know they will clinch a playoff berth so they will go all out in seeing the job done. Unfortunately Ravens signal caller Joe Flacco will take the brunt of the fight being sacked an astonishing 5 times.
Prediction 3: Kevin Huber will tweak his hammy with all the work he is going to put in. (He’s the Bengals punter. I was basically saying they aren’t going to do squat. I hate it when I have to explain my stupid jokes to you.)
Packers at Lions
Prediction I: Aaron Rodgers isn’t going to be released. You probably have heard that the Packers have violated the rules for the IR by activating Rodgers then placing him back on IR. I would bet a testicle that he isn’t going anywhere (Lefty, I would never bet you Righty.) I know that doesn’t really have anything to do with this game but it is a prediction none the less.
Prediction II: They Lions took full advantage of the Rodgersless (This is a word right?) Packers the last time they met and they will continue their winning ways in a convincing fashion. Lions 37 Packers 17.
Prediction III: Brett Hundley is going to toss 3 picks in a match that he wished he would have just stayed home for.
Texans at Colts
Prediction IV: In a battle of the uglys someone has to win. Flip a coin, they both stink.
Prediction V: Lucas Oil Stadium will fall victim to the Great Beer Riot of 2017. Enraged football fans will be driven into a frenzy not by the horrible show they paid good money for but by the lack of beer to help temper their dashed hopes. Beer vendors will be over-ran and the supply will run dry by the start of the second half. With no hope in sight the mass of rage filled drunkards will take their frustrations out on the concession stands. So much mustard wasted…..
Bills at Dolphins
Prediction !): The Bills will be looking to win and get a massive amount of help from other teams to keep their playoff hopes alive. They will at least do their part and leave sunny Florida with a big W on their record.
Prediction @(: Miami, fresh off their loss to the awesome Kansas City Chiefs (I’m allowed to be biased.) will be reeling and not able to recover their offensive woes. With Jay Cutler at the helm they are bound to have at least 2 picks but I would expect the turnover troubles to rub off on his running backs as well.
Prediction #*: Tyrod Taylor is a decent quarterback. Not exceptional but someone you can get some solid wins with. He plays like an elite signal caller against the Dolphins for some reason. Expect that trend to continue and he will post his best passer rating of his young career this week.
Bears at Vikings
Prediction Q: If I would have told you Case Keenum would surpass Sam Bradford in the depth chart in week one you would have called me an idiot? An anonymous idiot. Now With Case leading the Norsemen they have a serious chance of securing a first round bye with a week 17 win. Their starters will be out in force to accomplish this goal. Vikings 31 Bears 16.
Prediction P: Mitchell Trubisky will see the best rated defense in the league and will be punished for his insolence. Its gonna get ugly folks. Bring your popcorn.
Jets at Patriots
Prediction 1: The Jets are starting Bryce Petty at quarterback. Who the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is Bryce Petty you ask? Closest I could think is that he must be some relation to Tyler Palko. I feel kinda bad for the guy. This is the mismatch of the year and the Patriots will clinch home field advantage throughout the playoff with this drubbing of the green men. Patriots 41 Jets 12.
Prediction 2: Tom Brady will sit on the bench for the 4th quarter with the win firmly in hand.
Prediction 3: Bill Belichick will have on a hoodie and a frown. It’s like he has resting grump face. I couldn’t think of anything else that would be worth noting from this game.
Redskins at Giants
Prediction 1: Wow the Giants aren’t getting any love around the league even though they are playing at home. I guess that will happen to you when your top receiving threat is fresh off the Denver practice squad. Expect Manning to have a rough day.
Prediction 2: Cousins has a chance to go into the offseason with a winning record with a bad Washington team. He will make every play possible to make this a reality. Redskins 17 Giants 6.
Cowboys at Eagles
Prediction A1: The Eagles are on fire and the Cowboys are, well they aren’t on fire. One could say they are luke warm. With Nick Foles at the helm and the playoffs already a sealed deal I wouldn’t expect the Eagles to have their starters stay in longer than a few series.
Prediction B1: Elliott will be held from a 1000 yard rushing season by 10 yards.
Prediction C1: Dak Prescott will take advantage of the second string Eagles defenders, but the game will only be for pride. Dallas 21 Philadelphia 17
Browns at Steelers
Don’t watch this.
Saints at Buccaneers
Prediction 2A: The Saints will be scrambling to clinch the NFC South title for the first time since 2011 and with everything on the line the Bucs have a great chance to play the villain. Tampa Bay will take this fight to overtime with a thrilling victory. Saints 27 Bucs 30.
Prediction 2B: Drew Brees will complete 80% of his passes with no interceptions and 3 touchdowns in the loss to the Buccaneers.
Jaguars at Titans
Prediction 3A: The Jags have nothing to play for with the #3 seed already locked down and no chance to improve their standings. Even with the coach saying they will play their starters I would expect to see the backups before the half.
Prediction 2B: The Titans are fighting for their post-season lives and will take on the challenge laid down by the Jaguar defense. Desperate for a victory they will pull out all the stops and bring home the big win and the wildcard spot it earns them.
Chiefs at Broncos
Prediction 4Z: In a battle of the future Paxton Lynch will take on Patrick Mahomes in the first of many matches. The Broncos have lost 4 consecutive games to the Chiefs. Sunday will make it 5.
Prediction 4Y: For some reason the Chiefs always play the Broncos close. This game will be decided by an overtime field goal by Harrison Butker.
Prediction 4X: Charcandrick West will show he can be trusted with a heavier load and will gallop to over 100 yards rushing in the thin mile high air [… if he plays].
Raiders at Chargers
Prediction !: The Raiders have a chance to ruin the Chargers slim playoff hopes with what should effectively be another home game for the Raiders. Expect to see more black than blue in the stands.
Prediction@: Derek Carr will out duel Phillip Rivers 320 yard to 285. This will help push the Raiders over the top and give them the victory just to spite their AFC West rivals.
49ers at Rams
Prediction 1: The Rams will be resting their starters giving Garoppolo a huge opportunity to end his season with 5 straight victories and a good feeling heading into the offseason. Rams 17 49ers 24.
Prediction 2: Garoppolo will give the 49ers fans hope of a real quarterback for the first time since Alex Smith was still on the team. His final outing of the season will sport over 300 yards passing with 3 touchdowns and no interceptions.
Cardinals at Seahawks
Prediction X01: The Seahawks are fighting to keep their playoff hopes alive with this final victory over a Drew Stanton led Arizona team. The turnover prone Stanton will help them to victory with 2 interceptions and 1 fumble lost.
Prediction X02: Russel Wilson will have one of the worst games of his career throwing 3 interceptions and passing for an abysmal 175 yards. Luckily for his teammates Arizona will be in just as rough of shape.
There we have it guys. I know that these predictions are always 100% accurate so you may want to call your bookies now to get the best odds. Now it’s late as I type this so I’m going to bed. Good night all!
Comment below and let me know how super cool I am. I actually got someone to say how awesome I was last week! THANKS PAUL! As always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!
If you are viewing this in Apple News and would like to join the Discussion, [GO HERE.](http://arrowheadone.com/asinine-predictions-by-an-anonymous-idiot-lovingly-written-by-john-dillman-week-17/#disqus_thread)