Asinine Predictions By An Anonymous Idiot, Lovingly Written By John Dillman – Week 5

 

 

 

Welcome back you gluttons for punishment! Your favorite anonymous slightly deranged writer here. Obviously since you have come back, one of two things have happened. You either loved the last article and couldn’t wait for the next one to finally be published, or you simply have nothing better to read while sitting on the toilet. Either way I’ll take an audience any way I can get it. Luckily for you I have decided to skip my meds this week. So whether its the lack of jet sweeps and bubble screens or lack of sweet sweet doctor prescribed relief I am just enough off kilter to make this article extra interesting. I have the absurd predictions and a tinfoil hat and you have nothing better to do, so lets get to it!

 

The Bills at The Bengals

Prediction 1: Buffalo will show the world that the best thing with their namesake are the wings after getting thrashed by the inept Bengals led by the league’s favorite ginger Andy Dalton.

Prediction 2: All of Ohio will rejoice when, shortly after the win, the Bengals announce that Vontaze Burfict will be inducted into the NFL hall of shame… after his second personal foul penalty on the day.

Prediction 3: Tyrod Taylor will be sacked so many times that he begins to believe the orange and black things attacking him are actually possessed jack-o-lanterns with a personal beef against him. If you didn’t know already, jack-o-lanterns are real jerks.

Prediction 4: Paul Brown Stadium (That’s the name of the stadium that the Bengals play in. I know right? They couldn’t think of anything better.) is awarded the blandest venue name in America award beating out the previously named Invesco Field.

 

The Jets at The Browns

Prediction A: The New York Jets take a trip to the toilet bowl to play the Browns in a battle of the awful. To save time they forfiet to the Browns and thus saving everyone the time, effort and quite frankly sorrow of watching this abomination.

Prediction B: Since the game never actually occurs the Jets and Browns just enjoy each others company with a lively debate over how the team from Cleveland actually got its name. (The name actually came from a fan contest in 1945 where people who loved the color brown (and apparently Paul Brown (a parenthesis in a parenthesis in a parenthesis. My old English teacher is rolling in her grave by now! Ahhh, its fun to tick off grumpy old teachers, wait a sec wasn’t Laddie a teacher? [Editor’s Note: YES] Crap, I’m getting horribly off subject. What was I doing again? Well, lets close all these parenthesis.)))

Prediction C: The most contested thing on the day is when two Cleveland fans get into a heated debate over the last pretzel from a food vendor. (Little did they know that all of the cheese has been stolen in a caper that will baffle authorities for hours.)

 

The Panthers at The Lions

Prediction I: Ford Field will come alive with Detroit’s 3rd interception on the day giving the Lions 8 on the year. Panthers quarterback Cam Newton will leave the field in a huff and quickly don his daisy dukes and denim shirt for his post game interview.

Prediction II: Matthew Stafford will shine completing over 75% of his passes with no interceptions.

Prediction III: Julius Peppers will have a big day destroying the Lions offensive front and sacking a scrambling Stafford 3 times.

Prediction IV: This game will be close despite Carolina giving the ball away 4 times (3 interceptions and one forced fumble) but ultimately Detroit has the edge at home and crawls away with the win.

 

The 49ers at The Colts

This game will be awful. Colts and 49ers fans everywhere have my condolences.

 

The Titans at The Dolphins

Prediction 1: The Chiefs of the east will head on down to Miami to bask in the sun and apparently play some football. Mariota has the arm but he is unhealthy because he pulled a hammy and will be a game day decision as to whether or not he will play. If Marcus doesn’t play, Tennessee doesn’t win. It’s as simple as that.

Prediction 2: Jay Cutler will put on a clinic completing 70% of his passes and tossing 5 touchdowns ending the day with a near perfect quarterback rating.

Prediction 3: Matt Cassel (yes, that Cassel) will throw 4 interceptions, thus reaffirming to Chiefs fans everywhere that there are no regrets moving on from the veteran signal caller.

Prediction 4: The only blemish on the Dolphin’s day will be when head coach Adam Gase accidentally gets mustard on his shirt while eating his celebratory hot dog after the game.

 

The Chargers at The Giants

Prediction A: Chargers fans will rush to StubHub Stadium finally realizing where it is only to be saddened by the fact that this is an away game.

Prediction A: Phillip Rivers will keep his win streak against Eli Manning alive beating out the Giants to give the Chargers their first win of the season.

Prediction A: Joey Bosa will make Eli Manning get a tattoo of his face on the QB’s chest to assure everyone in sight that Manning is his property now (I am not advocating for the owning of people, I am merely trying to get the message across that Bosa is going to own Eli. I don’t mean “own” in a literal sense, what I mean is… oh forget it. Bosa is going to be the owner of Eli Manning after this game. Please send your hate mail to Ladner Morse, care of ArrowheadOne).

Editor’s Note: What John is attempting to articulate is: “Bosa will own Eli.”

Prediction A: OBJ continues his dominance racking up over 200 yards receiving and two touchdowns on the day.

 

The Cardinals at The Eagles

Prediction !: The Eagles will take Arizona to the woodshed and beat them mercilessly with the ground game churning out over 250 rushing yards before the refs finally say enough is enough and go get Palmer his rascal and escort him to the Country Kitchen for coffee and a two hour nap.

Prediction @: Carson Palmer regales a downtrodden Arizona offense with tales of knights and fancy from when he was young in the huddle. This confuses receiver Larry Fitzgerald so much that he will only run a 6 yard out route for the entire game. 1st and 10, 5 yard out route. 3rd and 15? 5 yard out route.

Prediction #: Philadelphia’s fans will be forced to save their batteries and Santa Clause jeers for another day.

 

The Jaguars at The Steelers

Prediction 1: Ben Roethlisberger will give Pittsburgh fans something to stand for (I’m allowed to make jokes about the way the Steelers handled the anthem protest right, Laddie?) [Editor’s Note: only if you come back to the table and eat your vegetables]… in this thrilling home victory against a very underrated Jacksonville team.

Prediction B: Blake Bortles will continue to baffle NFL pundits with a tale of two halves. The first half he can do no wrong, connecting on every pass and making the Steelers defense look pedestrian. What about the second half you ask? Well three interceptions on three possessions should be all I have to say.

Prediction #: Antonio Brown will dazzle fans with his endzone dancing 4 times on Sunday.

 

The Seahawks at The Rams

Prediction A: This will be the most interesting game of the day with a overtime turnover being the deciding factor in a late Rams victory.

Prediction @: Seahawks quarterback Russel Wilson will be shown up by Rams signal caller Jared Goff after he loses the turnover differential 3 to 0.

Prediction III: Los Angeles will realize that the Rams are all they need and create a petition to send the Chargers back to San Diego once and for all.

 

The Ravens at The Raiders

Prediction 1: With the Raiders Carr once again broken down (see what I did there?), the Ravens, led by Joe Flacco, will run roughshod over an exposed Raiders defense.

Prediction 2: The joke that the Raiders Carr has broken down will never get old.

Prediction 3: Beast Mode will leave the stadium accounting for 75% of the Oakland total offense. This would usually be a good sign but with a team led by EJ Manuel this is basically saying that there will be next to no Oakland passing yards for the day.

Prediction 4: The lone bright spot for the Raiders on the day will be Khalil Mack and his 5 sack performance.

 

The Packers at The Cowboys

Prediction I: Aaron Rodgers and the Packers are coming off a long week with 10 days of rest and the Cowboys are reeling from a huge loss from last week. This game will be an ugly grind it out affair with America’s Team scraping out a victory in the first possession of overtime.

Prediction II: Jason Witten, the ageless wonder, will show up big to the Cowboys, leading the team in both receiving yards and touchdowns.

Prediction III: Defender Sean Lee will “strap on the belt” after sacking Aaron Rodgers late in the third quarter.

 

The Chiefs at The Texans

Prediction 1: Andy Reid will order a double cheese burger, a large fries, and a large diet Coke on the way to the stadium.

Prediction 2: Andy Reid will order 2 stadium sauerkraut and brats and a small beer just minutes before kickoff.

Prediction 3: Andy Reid will refuse to share any on his personal stash of Kit-Kats with Dustin Colquitt.

Prediction 4: Andy Reid is 8-1 against rookie starting quarterbacks and that stat will move on to 9-1 at the end of the day.

 

The Vikings at The Bears

Prediction A: Mitchell Trubisky comes out swinging in his first career start on Monday Night Football against a strong Vikings defense leading Chicago to victory on their home turf.

Prediction B: Sam Bradford’s glass bone transplant he received a few weeks back has worked wonders for the journeyman signal caller allowing him a significant upgrade over his previous skeletal system.

Prediction C: Jordan Howard will have a career day rushing for over 150 yards and two touchdowns. In stark contrast the entirety of the Vikings running back corps will only combine for 75 yards rushing.

Prediction D: Come Tuesday there will be more Mike Ditka “Da Bears” memes on the internet than servers can handle, this will crash the entire internet causing the electrical grids of more than 90% of the developed world to fail sending a large EMP into the atmosphere causing a global catastrophe leaving the planet in the dark. Over the next year people will be forced to forage for food and a faction known as “Da Bears” will take control of major populated areas enforcing strict curfews through military dominance. Think the Walking Dead, just without the zombies. Thanks Chicago. Bunch of jerks.

 

Well, there we have it guys! A 100% guaranteed list of predictions. So make it to the bookies quick and stock up on plenty of toilet paper and Spam. The world is going to end come Tuesday. Don’t forget to comment below and let me know how ridiculously awesome I am and as always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!

 

 

 

 

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  • Laurels and limitations

    Man, these just keeping getting better. I’ll be back shortly, after I run to the store to stock up on toilet paper in preparation for “da bears”.

    • Heilios

      Thanks a lot. Don’t forget the spam. I don’t think it ever expires

      • Laurels and limitations

        Lol, haven’t eaten Spam in years, it had better be fried……and pass the mustard.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      Haha….Da Bears prediction had me cracking up.

  • Laurels and limitations

    I am no way trying to detract from John’s article, but Paylor wrote and posted a fantastic article about Marcus Peters.

    ‘I’m an American’: Chiefs cornerback Marcus Peters breaks silence on protests https://t.co/VhBQ63kvFM— Terez A. Paylor (@TerezPaylor) October 7, 2017

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      Interesting read “Bruh”.

  • Chiefly Bacon

    Fun piece. Gotta say, I think you’re way off on the Bills though. They have a one score loss to the Panthers where they held them to 9 points and no other losses. Two of their wins have been really impressive besting the Broncos and the, previously undefeated, Falcons. Bengals, on the other hand, are 1-3, lone win vs the browns.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      Looks like John called it…Bills lost

  • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

    This will be a tough match up tomorrow…..Watson is playing lights out for Houston………if he gets as much time to look downfield as the Titans gave him, we could be in trouble.

    If Watson has a good day, the armchair GMs will come out of the woodwork…….”Chiefs should have picked Watson over Mahomes.

    Both QBs spent a large amount of time with the Chiefs pre-draft and according to Reid it was a tough decision as they had the opportunity to go either QB.

    In fairness to Mahomes…he hasn’t had his opportunity to make his statement yet………….but Watson has and he would love to show the Chiefs that they made the wrong choice.

    • berttheclock

      Yes, this will be the main focus for many tomorrow. Can the Chiefs stop Watson? What he has brought to the Texans is the opportunity for their solid defense to stay off the field longer and rest. Rick Smith, the GM of the Texans, has made some solid picks in the past few years and look at their present roster and you will find they added 7 rookies to the roster this year. But, his terrible choice to not only bring Osweiller to the team, but, give him a ridiculous contract, set them back. Luckily, he was let off the hook by the Browns on the contract. But, the move left him with no other decision possible but to move up in the draft and take Watson.

      On the other hand, Reid recently said the main reason behind taking Mahomes II was they thought at some point they would have to replace Smith and if they kept winning more games, they would drop further back in the first round to be able to take any young QBOTF. So, Reid said they opted to gamble and make the move this year.

      • berttheclock

        One other rookie Smith added to the Texans this year is Zach Cunningham, the very fast LB from Vanderbilt. Many fans of the Chiefs liked taking Cunningham. He may be a bit soft at times on the run, but, he can fly from sideline to sideline.

        • berttheclock

          In fact, there is one coach for the Texans, I would have loved to have seen been hired by the Chiefs. Mike Vrabel is an outstanding LB coach who would be much better than Gibbs.

      • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

        The Chiefs were very interested in both and had to make a tough choice……..had to be a tough choice since Watson’s win/loss record going back to his pre-college days is incredible.
        Mahomes on the other hand not so much.
        In Mahomes defense, his college defense was absolutely horrendous.

        In the end, they felt like Mahomes skill set was a better fit for their offensive scheme.
        Time will tell.

  • Chiefly Bacon

    I thought DeMarcus Robinson was a good pick at the time, but I also really liked Jordan Howard that year. Howard went to the Bears at the top of the 5th, Robinson to the Chiefs at the bottom of the 4th. In hindsight, wish we’d picked Howard instead, but Robinson still has time to pan out.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      Could you imagine having Kareem Hunt and Jordan Howard as a 1-2 punch? Oh man.

  • berttheclock

    Excellent thread, John, but, I believe for the sake of history, you might want to review two points stated above. First the naming of the Cleveland football team. Secondly, why the stadium used by the Bengals is named for Paul Brown.

    Yes, there was a naming contest, but, the first results of that Cleveland Plain Dealer contest came back with fans wanting the team to be named “Panthers”, with “Brown” close behind. Paul Brown refused to name the team Panthers due to that name had been used by a failed former AFL league team. Plus, the holder of the rights to the name demanded money to allow the new team to use the name. Brown refused to pay him and the contest was reopened. Then, the results came for “Brown”. The reason Paul Brown didn’t want to use the name is he didn’t believe the team should be named after him. However, he relented and allowed the name to stick, but, for many years, he kept telling a false story to fans saying it was really named after Joe Louis, who was called “The Brown Bomber”. Late in life, he told people the truth about the fact he didn’t want his own name used.

    Then, on to Bengal Land. Paul Brown built that Bengals team as he was the one who brought the team to Cincinnati. Plus, there is a sort of tie-in to the Chiefs in this story. One year, Brown lost his starting QB. He and Bill Walsh were left with a emergency QB who could only throw crisp short passes. So, they developed what was first called “The Ohio River System” which morphed into being called “The West Coast Offense”. Add the fact that in the state of Ohio, Paul Brown had made high school football famous at Massilon HS, then, he had some excellent results at Ohio State until the middle of World War II depleted his squads. Paul Brown, although, he made many enemies in his time, was a major innovator of the game. Plus, he was one of the first to recognize playing African-Americans.

  • berttheclock

    There is one new player on the Texans’ roster who might have been better off with the Chiefs. He is Kyle Fuller, the C/OG from Baylor. Yes, he came from a spread and has flaws, but, he is a developmental backup for both positions. He was taken just after the Chiefs took Leon McQuay III, who remains for my not very humble self to be a real head scratch type pick. Of course, what baffles me even more about that pick is just after Dorsey took McQuay III, almost as an afterthought for the day, the Jags took the very fast (4.28 40 at the Combine), Jalon Myrick of Minnesota to play corner and the Raiders took the tough FS, Shalon Luani from Washington State. Both Myrick and Luani had far better resumes coming out of college than did McQuay.

    • ladner morse

      At least Shalom Luani and Jalen Myrick are both on the active roster.

    • GOOD OBSERVATION! I had Fuller in my late round pickups…

  • freshmeat62

    Just remember that in COBOL when you have parens within parens within parens, the inner most parens are executed first. then the middle set, then the outer.

    Wow that took me back a few years!

    • berttheclock

      But, for a business oriented language, didn’t it seem to be so very common?

      • berttheclock

        Being such a novice at computers, I had to look up the meaning of COBOL. That is where I discovered it began with the word common.

    • ladner morse

      COBOL?! Too many ones and zeros for me. I’m just not sure which one I am… a one or a zero?
      DON’T ANSWER THAT.

    • I think that works in math too.

      • KCMikeG

        Multiplication and division before addition and subtraction right?

  • In my career I was a Software Engineer(paper on the wall) for 30+ years and a “Counselor” for about 10. I also have a teaching certificate(paper on the wall) but I couldn’t stand the kids so I never taught. I am trained also to be a broadcast journalist(paper on the wall) but the job offer at a radio station near KCMO in 1976 was embarrassing, slightly worse than the offer to teach school. Then IBM Offered me about 4k more than either and that is how I became a Mainframe, System 370, System 390 diagnostician. That however, won’t do you much good. am willing to provide educational assistance if you so require it and if it is of your own volition.

    Which means I am not supposed to give a psychological evaluation. I am able, however, to work up a recommendations related to the admitted disorder, deem the specific individual as being “beyond our level of care”. John, I have prepared the appropriate documentation, survey results, etc and have a document for you in my referral to the appropriate care provider, namely a psychologist(who will refer you to a psychiatrist, I am quite sure). not being qualified with the proper degree and piece of paper hung upon my wall(CRADC does not count), I suggest, because we are friends, right? That you are completely freakin’ nuts. That’s the best I can do. ll the best…David.

    • Laurels and limitations

      Yeah, but he’s a FUN nuts!

    • Heilios

      The squirrels outside my window say thank you very much!

  • berttheclock

    For any of those out there who are head over heals in LOVE with stats, I suggest you check out the ESPN stat which states that since 2004, there have been 207 wins by Top Three ranked in the polls teams who have led by 14 points at home. None lost until today, when, Iowa State roared from behind to upset Number 3 ranked OU at Norman. The OU QB did not have a bad game; he just did not have enough of a good game to overcome the heroics put up by a walk on QB for Iowa State. That young QB had better stats and threw for 3 TDs.

  • I am predicting a blowout. What is still pretty fuzzy is who is getting blown out. Will it be KC or Houston? I really have no idea. I see a team in Houston that is being led by a QB showing his college stuff. I see a KC team that seems to have put the puzzle together. What I am not sure about is the way these two teams face off. Does KC rattle the rookie QB and take advantage with a half dozen pick sixes? Does DW torch the KC secondary because they don’t have enough tape on him? Does AS11 2.0 light up the Texans? Does the KC OL make pancakes of JJ and JC all day? Who knows? I guess we should play the game and see. BBQ – Check. Big Screen TV – Check. Heart Meds – Check.

  • KCMikeG

    Ridiculously awesome AND insightful! I’ll be back for more!