Welcome back you gluttons for punishment! Your favorite anonymous slightly deranged writer here. Obviously since you have come back, one of two things have happened. You either loved the last article and couldn’t wait for the next one to finally be published, or you simply have nothing better to read while sitting on the toilet. Either way I’ll take an audience any way I can get it. Luckily for you I have decided to skip my meds this week. So whether its the lack of jet sweeps and bubble screens or lack of sweet sweet doctor prescribed relief I am just enough off kilter to make this article extra interesting. I have the absurd predictions and a tinfoil hat and you have nothing better to do, so lets get to it!
The Bills at The Bengals
Prediction 1: Buffalo will show the world that the best thing with their namesake are the wings after getting thrashed by the inept Bengals led by the league’s favorite ginger Andy Dalton.
Prediction 2: All of Ohio will rejoice when, shortly after the win, the Bengals announce that Vontaze Burfict will be inducted into the NFL hall of shame… after his second personal foul penalty on the day.
Prediction 3: Tyrod Taylor will be sacked so many times that he begins to believe the orange and black things attacking him are actually possessed jack-o-lanterns with a personal beef against him. If you didn’t know already, jack-o-lanterns are real jerks.
Prediction 4: Paul Brown Stadium (That’s the name of the stadium that the Bengals play in. I know right? They couldn’t think of anything better.) is awarded the blandest venue name in America award beating out the previously named Invesco Field.
The Jets at The Browns
Prediction A: The New York Jets take a trip to the toilet bowl to play the Browns in a battle of the awful. To save time they forfiet to the Browns and thus saving everyone the time, effort and quite frankly sorrow of watching this abomination.
Prediction B: Since the game never actually occurs the Jets and Browns just enjoy each others company with a lively debate over how the team from Cleveland actually got its name. (The name actually came from a fan contest in 1945 where people who loved the color brown (and apparently Paul Brown (a parenthesis in a parenthesis in a parenthesis. My old English teacher is rolling in her grave by now! Ahhh, its fun to tick off grumpy old teachers, wait a sec wasn’t Laddie a teacher? [Editor’s Note: YES] Crap, I’m getting horribly off subject. What was I doing again? Well, lets close all these parenthesis.)))
Prediction C: The most contested thing on the day is when two Cleveland fans get into a heated debate over the last pretzel from a food vendor. (Little did they know that all of the cheese has been stolen in a caper that will baffle authorities for hours.)
The Panthers at The Lions
Prediction I: Ford Field will come alive with Detroit’s 3rd interception on the day giving the Lions 8 on the year. Panthers quarterback Cam Newton will leave the field in a huff and quickly don his daisy dukes and denim shirt for his post game interview.
Prediction II: Matthew Stafford will shine completing over 75% of his passes with no interceptions.
Prediction III: Julius Peppers will have a big day destroying the Lions offensive front and sacking a scrambling Stafford 3 times.
Prediction IV: This game will be close despite Carolina giving the ball away 4 times (3 interceptions and one forced fumble) but ultimately Detroit has the edge at home and crawls away with the win.
The 49ers at The Colts
This game will be awful. Colts and 49ers fans everywhere have my condolences.
The Titans at The Dolphins
Prediction 1: The Chiefs of the east will head on down to Miami to bask in the sun and apparently play some football. Mariota has the arm but he is unhealthy because he pulled a hammy and will be a game day decision as to whether or not he will play. If Marcus doesn’t play, Tennessee doesn’t win. It’s as simple as that.
Prediction 2: Jay Cutler will put on a clinic completing 70% of his passes and tossing 5 touchdowns ending the day with a near perfect quarterback rating.
Prediction 3: Matt Cassel (yes, that Cassel) will throw 4 interceptions, thus reaffirming to Chiefs fans everywhere that there are no regrets moving on from the veteran signal caller.
Prediction 4: The only blemish on the Dolphin’s day will be when head coach Adam Gase accidentally gets mustard on his shirt while eating his celebratory hot dog after the game.
The Chargers at The Giants
Prediction A: Chargers fans will rush to StubHub Stadium finally realizing where it is only to be saddened by the fact that this is an away game.
Prediction A: Phillip Rivers will keep his win streak against Eli Manning alive beating out the Giants to give the Chargers their first win of the season.
Prediction A: Joey Bosa will make Eli Manning get a tattoo of his face on the QB’s chest to assure everyone in sight that Manning is his property now (I am not advocating for the owning of people, I am merely trying to get the message across that Bosa is going to own Eli. I don’t mean “own” in a literal sense, what I mean is… oh forget it. Bosa is going to be the owner of Eli Manning after this game. Please send your hate mail to Ladner Morse, care of ArrowheadOne).
Editor’s Note: What John is attempting to articulate is: “Bosa will own Eli.”
Prediction A: OBJ continues his dominance racking up over 200 yards receiving and two touchdowns on the day.
The Cardinals at The Eagles
Prediction !: The Eagles will take Arizona to the woodshed and beat them mercilessly with the ground game churning out over 250 rushing yards before the refs finally say enough is enough and go get Palmer his rascal and escort him to the Country Kitchen for coffee and a two hour nap.
Prediction @: Carson Palmer regales a downtrodden Arizona offense with tales of knights and fancy from when he was young in the huddle. This confuses receiver Larry Fitzgerald so much that he will only run a 6 yard out route for the entire game. 1st and 10, 5 yard out route. 3rd and 15? 5 yard out route.
Prediction #: Philadelphia’s fans will be forced to save their batteries and Santa Clause jeers for another day.
The Jaguars at The Steelers
Prediction 1: Ben Roethlisberger will give Pittsburgh fans something to stand for (I’m allowed to make jokes about the way the Steelers handled the anthem protest right, Laddie?) [Editor’s Note: only if you come back to the table and eat your vegetables]… in this thrilling home victory against a very underrated Jacksonville team.
Prediction B: Blake Bortles will continue to baffle NFL pundits with a tale of two halves. The first half he can do no wrong, connecting on every pass and making the Steelers defense look pedestrian. What about the second half you ask? Well three interceptions on three possessions should be all I have to say.
Prediction #: Antonio Brown will dazzle fans with his endzone dancing 4 times on Sunday.
The Seahawks at The Rams
Prediction A: This will be the most interesting game of the day with a overtime turnover being the deciding factor in a late Rams victory.
Prediction @: Seahawks quarterback Russel Wilson will be shown up by Rams signal caller Jared Goff after he loses the turnover differential 3 to 0.
Prediction III: Los Angeles will realize that the Rams are all they need and create a petition to send the Chargers back to San Diego once and for all.
The Ravens at The Raiders
Prediction 1: With the Raiders Carr once again broken down (see what I did there?), the Ravens, led by Joe Flacco, will run roughshod over an exposed Raiders defense.
Prediction 2: The joke that the Raiders Carr has broken down will never get old.
Prediction 3: Beast Mode will leave the stadium accounting for 75% of the Oakland total offense. This would usually be a good sign but with a team led by EJ Manuel this is basically saying that there will be next to no Oakland passing yards for the day.
Prediction 4: The lone bright spot for the Raiders on the day will be Khalil Mack and his 5 sack performance.
The Packers at The Cowboys
Prediction I: Aaron Rodgers and the Packers are coming off a long week with 10 days of rest and the Cowboys are reeling from a huge loss from last week. This game will be an ugly grind it out affair with America’s Team scraping out a victory in the first possession of overtime.
Prediction II: Jason Witten, the ageless wonder, will show up big to the Cowboys, leading the team in both receiving yards and touchdowns.
Prediction III: Defender Sean Lee will “strap on the belt” after sacking Aaron Rodgers late in the third quarter.
The Chiefs at The Texans
Prediction 1: Andy Reid will order a double cheese burger, a large fries, and a large diet Coke on the way to the stadium.
Prediction 2: Andy Reid will order 2 stadium sauerkraut and brats and a small beer just minutes before kickoff.
Prediction 3: Andy Reid will refuse to share any on his personal stash of Kit-Kats with Dustin Colquitt.
Prediction 4: Andy Reid is 8-1 against rookie starting quarterbacks and that stat will move on to 9-1 at the end of the day.
The Vikings at The Bears
Prediction A: Mitchell Trubisky comes out swinging in his first career start on Monday Night Football against a strong Vikings defense leading Chicago to victory on their home turf.
Prediction B: Sam Bradford’s glass bone transplant he received a few weeks back has worked wonders for the journeyman signal caller allowing him a significant upgrade over his previous skeletal system.
Prediction C: Jordan Howard will have a career day rushing for over 150 yards and two touchdowns. In stark contrast the entirety of the Vikings running back corps will only combine for 75 yards rushing.
Prediction D: Come Tuesday there will be more Mike Ditka “Da Bears” memes on the internet than servers can handle, this will crash the entire internet causing the electrical grids of more than 90% of the developed world to fail sending a large EMP into the atmosphere causing a global catastrophe leaving the planet in the dark. Over the next year people will be forced to forage for food and a faction known as “Da Bears” will take control of major populated areas enforcing strict curfews through military dominance. Think the Walking Dead, just without the zombies. Thanks Chicago. Bunch of jerks.
Well, there we have it guys! A 100% guaranteed list of predictions. So make it to the bookies quick and stock up on plenty of toilet paper and Spam. The world is going to end come Tuesday. Don’t forget to comment below and let me know how ridiculously awesome I am and as always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!
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