Asinine Predictions By An Anonymous Idiot, Lovingly Written By John Dillman – Week 6

 

 

 

Another week another round of skipped meds! Welcome back all to the best thing to happen to Saturday mornings ever since the Wacky Races showed everyone that cartoon violence and attempted vehicular manslaughter were definitely things to laugh at! I was a bit hit and miss with my predictions last week, which is too bad. I was looking forward to the Spam filled apocalypse brought to us by our masters and overlords, Da Bears. You have been chomping at the bit to know what idiotic bit of fancy I would be able to get away with writing this time and oh boy will I deliver. BTW Laddie has yet to censor me. So either through his negligence or through some act of God I am able to keep writing what ever falls out of my brain on to a ever shifting keyboard. (If something doesn’t happen soon this could get really out of hand. I truly need moderated.) So lets tighten up the straight jacket and skydive right in to my deranged mind.

 

 

Dolphins at Falcons

Prediction 1: The Atlanta Falcons will steamroll what ever quarterback that the hapless Dolphins manage to find in the stands. Poor guy. All he wanted was to watch the game and to enjoy a beer and a braut.

Prediction 2: Matt Ryan will throw more interceptions than touchdowns and still win the game handily.

Prediction 3: Miami will soon become ground zero for the zombie apocalypse. Being that they will be more appealing and too slow to put up much resistance, fat beach-goers will be the first to become human happy meals. Next on the menu will be the Dolphins offense. Wait…. This just in…. The Miami Dolphins offense has apparently already been turned. This would explain their anemic play and abysmal stats. Back to you in the news room Laddie.

 

 

Bears at Ravens

Prediction A: The Bears will put up a valiant effort against a John Harbaugh led Ravens but ultimately will fall. Harbaugh is deadly against rookie signal callers going 9-0 in his career and his perfect record will not change.

Prediction B: After being let down last week, the militant group only known as Da Bears will retreat into their deep dish pizzas and Dick Butkus mustaches to regroup and possibly consider an easier line of work. Being a Bears fan is hard. At least you’re not a Browns fan. Those poor bastards.

Prediction C: Mitchell Trubisky will show why he was a first round pick with several pinpoint throws. The only problem is these throws will happen in garbage time as the Bears will trail the Ravens by more than 20 points in the 4th quarter.

 

 

Browns at Texans

Prediction !: Let us all take a moment of silence for Browns fans everywhere…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Those poor bastards.

Prediction @: Seriously. Imagine what it would be like to be a Cleveland fan, of any sport. The Browns, sigh. The Cavaliers, meh. The Indians, dear sweet little baby Jesus help these people.

Prediction #: The Texans are going to stomp a mudhole into the Browns. I would give you a wild prediction of the final score but I am not even sure I am crazy enough right now to get anywhere near. Lets just say it will be a huge score gap between the two. Fun little tidbit, the Browns benched their newest quarterback DeShone Kizer. Poor guy, had his whole career ahead of him and now…. Tisk tisk tisk.

 

 

Packers at Vikings

Prediction 1: The rivalry of the North will live on strong and true. The cops will be out in force in Minneapolis and a minimum of 12 fans will be in handcuffs by the end of the day. Everyone wearing one of those stupid wedges of cheese on their heads should be on notice that they are one accidental spilled drink away from a full on bout of fisticuffs!

Prediction 1B: Aaron Rodgers will still refuse my letters to change his name and drop the pretentious second A from his name. The first A is pretty cool but the second is a petty jerk. That and he will throw 5 touchdowns and no interceptions posting a perfect passer rating.

Prediction 1C: Sam Bradford is still plugging away with his glass bone transplant. Surprisingly after taking 7 sacks on the day he will still be in one piece and ready to move on to week 7.

 

 

Lions at Saints

Prediction Z: The Lions offensive line will surrender no less than 5 sacks on the day. Poor Stafford, he has already been sacked 12 times in 2 weeks. If this keeps up he will need a rascal and a fanny pack just to make it to work.

Prediction Y: Drew Brees throws 3 picks but will totally redeem himself passing for over 400 yards and 4 touchdowns in the home victory.

Prediction X: New Orleans will be the first NFL team to use a t-shirt cannon to fire shrimp po-boys into a waiting audience. Sadly they will have no sauce on them as that screws with the trajectory and flight path of the shrimp making it harder than “help” to hit anything beyond 15 feet. Oh, and God help you if you happen to be sitting in the first few rows. Those delicious sandwiches will be traveling at over 50 miles per hour making it dangerous, borderline deadly to catch one.

 

 

 

Patriots at Jets

Prediction I: Rob Gronkowski will continue his long legacy of injuries missing the second half of the game after slipping on an ice cube and getting covered in boo-boos exiting the tunnel after halftime.

Prediction II: The field team at MetLife Stadium (Such a boring name.) will forget to repaint the field and the Jets will be forced to play the game with the Giants name emblazoned in the endzone.

Prediction III: Tom Brady will be Tom Brady. As opposed to being someone other than Tom Brady, Tom Brady being who he is, Tom Brady, will use all of his Tom Brady skills to out Tom Brady the Tom Brady-less Jets, thus ensuring a victory for none other than Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Sorry, it had to be an even number of Tom Brady’s. Oh wait… CRAP!

 

 

49ers at Redskins

Prediction Q: San Francisco is a dumpster fire and its not going to change any time soon. Nothing to see here, move along people.

Prediction W: I thought I said move along. If you don’t I’m going to tell on you.

Prediction E: LADDIE!!! THEY AREN’T MOVING ALONG!

 

 

 

 

Buccaneers at Cardinals

Prediction R: The Bucs were showing signs of life last week tallying 3 sacks against Tom Brady (HAHAHAHA I MADE IT EVEN!) With Arizona already giving up 19 sacks this season Tampa Bay should be off to the races. I would imagine Palmer tasting sod at least 4 times.

Prediction T: The trade for Adrian Peterson will pay off in spades as both he and Carson Palmer qualify for the early bird special at the Country Kitchen. Now Carson will have someone his age to relive the glory days of radio and the dance known as the Charleston.

Prediction Y: Adrian Peterson will find paydirt 3 times rushing and Palmer will hit Fitzgerald twice in the endzone in a great win on their home turf.

 

 

Rams at Jaguars

Prediction A1: The Jags have actually looked decent this year and will win back to back games. Jags over Rams 27-17.

Prediction B1: Jared Goff and Blake Bortles will exchange jerseys after the game. Not so interesting but it will happen.

Prediction C1: The trade rumors that Jacksonville is going to trade for Eli Manning will ramp up after Tom Coughlin whips out his light bright and makes the number 10 with the limited pieces he has left. Those damn pegs always disappear and it would seem the only reasonable way to find one is to step on the piece in the middle of the night as you guess your way through the minefield of toys and random mess on the way to the bathroom in the dark. Sorry I had to vent. We got the kids a light bright and sure as snot I managed to find the pieces last night, half asleep, in the dark, on the way to the bathroom. All I wanted to do was take a leak and get back to my warm bed before my jerk of a Golden Retriever stole my spot. Is that too much to ask for???

 

 

Steelers at Chiefs

Prediction 1X: Arrowhead will be it boisterous self come kickoff mid-afternoon Sunday. So much so that Pittsburgh will commit 3 delay of game penalties in all of the noise and confusion.

Prediction 1Y: Roethlisberger will show that even in the twilight of his career he still has it completing 75% of his passes with only one interception on the day.

Prediction 1Z: As much as it pains me to say this, I just don’t know about this game. The Steelers have had our number the last few times we’ve met and as much as I would love to see our undefeated streak continue I can not in good conscience say with 100% certainty that we will walk away with a big W come Sunday. So what I can say is that Kareem Hunt will continue his march into the record books with 150 yards rushing and 3 touchdowns.

 

 

Chargers at Raiders

Prediction 9: Joey Bosa is going to make Derek Carr wish that they would have just placed him on injured reserve. In his first game back from a back injury he will be plowed into the dirt 3 times by Bosa. Eli Manning better make room, Bosa is going to wind up owning Carr by the end of the day. Maybe they can be roomies?

Prediction 10: Phillip Rivers will put on a clinic, thoroughly spanking the Oakland defense and winning the day with 5 passing touchdowns.

Prediction 8: The last Raiders fan will finally get the joke that the Raiders Carr broke down. He does not take it well. Not well at all.

 

 

Giants at Broncos

Unfortunately I do not have any predictions or comments for this game other than the fact that the Giants should have stayed home and saved everyone the trouble of watching them get destroyed by Denver.

 

 

Colts at Titans

Prediction 7: Kansas City East will surely emerge victorious on the glorious field of battle as they lock steel with the mighty Colts. Well not mighty I guess, maybe inept is the word I’m looking for. The Colts are just awful. Without Andrew Luck they have zero chance winning this game.

Prediction ^: Andrew Luck will be shown to be faking his injury just so he doesn’t have to play with the Colts offense anymore. Suck for Luck backfired! LOL

Prediciton 5: Mariota will have 2 picks and 4 touchdowns in the slaughter of the Colts.

 

 

 

So what do you think guys? Will my crazy ideas come to fruition? Let me know what you think and comment below. As always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!

 

 

 

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  • berttheclock

    Speaking of the Steelers-Chiefs, the Ying and the Yang. The good news is Kelce may play. The bad news is Carl Cheffers will be the ref. He was the one who worked the post season game last year between the Chiefs and Steelers. He was the ref who threw the bogus flag against Kelce for holding.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      The holding call against Fisher to negate the 2 point conversion was the worst kick in the groin though………that one ended up being the nail in the coffin.

      • berttheclock

        Cheffers is available due to Locker Room not giving him his job back after the last Super Bowl.

  • berttheclock

    BTW, Laddie, thanks for posting the countdown clock above. Just saved me a trip over to Dee’s Bar tomorrow. I had thought the game was going to be the early game, so, I would have been there at 10 AM, Portland time. Had checked the local CBS station and they had another game up. Will now stay home and watch it on KOIN TV, plus, not have to drive home in the dark. Also, it will give me more time to re-read the much needed 25th Amendment.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      Good luck with that–lol

      • larry mckinney

        No, really. Good luck with that, Bert!

        • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

          Problem is….the 25th amendment was not designed as a loophole for whiners who a year later are still pouting that their candidate lost.

          • berttheclock

            Losing the election has absolutely nothing to do with this. It has to do with an ignorant and ill equipped for the office bozo who has become highly dangerous to be allowed access to the nuclear button.

          • ladner morse

            Okay my friends… let’s move our discussions back to football…please.

          • larry mckinney

            Of course you are correct. It is intended to allow a simple path to replace top administrators of our country whenever they are found to be medically or psychologically incapable of leading.

          • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

            Exactly…so relax, and like Laddie said…let’s get back to football….as this IS a football site.

          • larry mckinney

            Be happy to do so, except our narcissist, dishonest elected dotard can’t leave football alone. I realize he can do no wrong in the eyes of his base and that is why I will always speak up.

    • ladner morse

      Bert… your last sentence got my hopes up…. don’t do that to me!

      • berttheclock

        More on both Jamele Hall and Eminem much later.

  • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

    With all those Tom Brady’s in there I had to check and make sure Chris Colinsworth wasn’t writing this weeks piece–lol
    Thoroughly entertaining John.

  • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

    Good to see we are going into this one semi-healthy,

    Big Benny is not going to have back to back interception fests. Unless the return of Ford miraculously improves our pass rush, he won’t be throwing off the back of his heel like he was against Jax.
    Still yet….I think we keep that tub of lard at bay for the most part.
    The story tomorrow will be Kareem Hunt as the Pittsburgh Rush defense is right down there at the bottom with the very worst.
    When the hottest RB in the league meets the worst rush defense in the league….good things happen people!

  • berttheclock

    I expect Haley will revert to his Ravens’ game plan, where he ran the ball equally with throwing. Last week, he allowed Big Ben to attempt far too many passes. The Chiefs do not have the best run defense, although Ford chasing will help.

  • berttheclock

    Last week Seth Kysor of AP wrote an excellent breakdown of the play of Erving. Short version was he made some of the same mistakes LDT did early in his career. Lunging and not recognizing stunts developing behind him. Said he still needs far more training, but, noted he is not as strong as LDT in his base setups. Noted that his work did improve as the game progressed, but, he added he was very fortunate that J J Watt never setup across from him.

    • first up time for Erving? I think he did well. He will mold to a fine player, well above average and that will produce hard competition in the Chiefs offensive front. — I like him in other words.

  • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

    NaVorro Bowman was released by the 49ers……we need to figure out how to get that man in a Chiefs jersey now!!!

    • ladner morse

      Why in H-E-double L would they release him!!!???

      • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

        Absolutely no clue!
        That man IS the 49er efense.

        • ladner morse

          I wonder how close Alex was to him. Maybe Alex could promise to give him one of his Kidneys (if he ever needed one) as long as he signs with KC.

          • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

            Haha! It would be worth it!
            Bowman would put us up in the elite status defensively.

          • ladner morse

            Bowman admitted that he was having trouble recuperating on a short week (Sun-Thurs) because he’s had an ACL plus an Achilles –2014 — in the the recent few years. So… he may not be the Bowman of old but he’s still one heck of a stud! 7.25 tackles per game in 2015 in full time duty and 6.0 tackles per game this year in more limited action. Maybe the Chiefs would be getting the Navorro of old.

          • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

            My brother who is a 49er fan was telling me this morning that Bowman is looking a lot like the old Bowman.
            He also told me that there were two teams that were interested in trading for him, but he did not want to go there since they were not contenders.
            apparently, the 49ers released him as a favor to him.

          • berttheclock

            Goodell might be able to salvage himself in the eyes of the fans and players, if he would place TNF in the dumpster.

          • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

            That would interfere with the almighty bottom line though.

          • someone has got to get honest about all the achilles tears. This is not normal. L&L and I briefly discussed it: Play muscle, weight, height +equipment(Shoes?). Whatever it is, the number is far too high and something is really wrong here. Just think about the Chiefs the last 3 years…..

          • mnelson52

            I mentioned something last year about that. Is it possible that a combination of less practice and the workouts with weights is messing then up. Are they now making there muscles stronger than their tendons can handle? Are they making them stronger but with less flexibility? I’m definitely not smart enough to know how to fix the problem, but I am smart enough to see there is a problem. Personally, I think these guys that design their workouts are making them very strong, but maybe they need some kind of daily workout to also make those muscles limber.

          • I recall you discussing this at the time it came up. I have no answers but certainly, they muscle up to the max and that plus muscle weight gain is going to have an effect. Back in the day, the Achilles injury ended careers and most often diminished them.

          • mnelson52

            Maybe he would like a chance at a SB ring this year and sign with the Chiefs.

      • berttheclock

        Something which goes by the title of “FAR TOO MUCH MONEY for an older player”. They are trying to free up as much Cap space as possible.

        • berttheclock

          In many respects, it is the NFL’s version of “Logan’s Run”.

          • ladner morse

            Logan’s End Run?

          • berttheclock

            Did you know the great George Pal had the rights to that film but, due to other commitments sold the rights? Pal, who did “War of the worlds”, “The Time Machine”, “Brothers Grimm” and many other great films.

          • ladner morse

            When did he give up the rights? After the original movie was made?

          • berttheclock

            They were in pre-production and he wanted changes made to the script. MGM thought they would cost too much, so, Pal backed out and sold his rights. Funny thing about the difference between the book and the movie. In the book, the cutoff age was 21, but, for the movie, they had to raise it to 30 to be able to get more actors.Yet, the lead was 33 when, the film was made.

    • berttheclock

      The Chiefs, at present, have just under $3M in cap space. Not enough to be able to corral him. Then Niners were able to get him in the first place due to the Bolts’ brass thinking Donald Butler would be better.

  • ladner morse

    Since the 49ers just drafted Reuben Foster and using him more and costly vet Bowman less… Bowman voiced his displeasure publicly about losing snaps. GM John Lynch said this:

    “Some people are going to question whether this is, but I truly do feel it’s best for us and I truly do feel it’s best for Bo, for him to go and have an opportunity somewhere where if someone brings him in, I will imagine they will have a role and that role will be easier,” Lynch said. “It’s harder to do in the place you’ve been. It’s just the way it is. And having lived through that, I think we were able to have a discussion last night, the three of us, and I told him, I’ve been exactly where you’re at. And that’s what contributes to my opinion that it’s best for everyone.”

  • berttheclock

    Rotoworld says that the Niners had been trying to shop Bowman, but, no one wanted his present $6.75 M deal, plus, he will cost the Niners $4.7 M in dead money next year, which, now they will have to eat.

    • ladner morse

      That’s why I don’t get a move like this. Sure they moved to a 4-3 defense where more was asked of the LBs but they could have still used him enough to get the value he’s going to now cost them. Dumb move.

      • berttheclock

        I am still not convinced that hiring Shanahan was a smart move. Brady did not win the last SB, as much as Shanahan lost it.

        • ladner morse

          Right, Shanny kind of went into his Reid-shell in that one.

  • berttheclock

    I wonder why Veach is waiting to place Conley on IR. Is he still looking for someone to sign?

    • ladner morse

      Veach was most certainly called about a Bowman trade. Perhaps knowing (and hoping) that Bowman would soon be available he wanted to have a ready-made-move available with Conley to the IR if he could entice Bowman to sign for a low-ball deal.

      • ladner morse

        A rotation of DJ, Ramik, Ragland, Bowman sounds pretty good to me.

        • you know how I believe the import of linebackers are. 🙂 – I can see it. I doubt Bowman is going to wear a head-dress.

  • berttheclock

    With apologies to Willie Nelson, “Momma, don’t let your ranked teams go on the road for Friday night games”. Both Clemson playing unranked Syracuse and Wazzoo playing unranked Cal, took it very badly. Wazzoo appeared to have never left Pullman.

  • berttheclock

    The NFL agent for Bowman is Drew Rosenhaus, a tough negotiator. However, Tyreek Hill has just signed with him. But, consider, the Pats need to improve their defense, plus, the Texans really need someone and they might use the old Penn State connection of their HC, or the Panthers needing to replace Kuchley. There could be a bidding war for him.

  • berttheclock

    Hey Laddie, remember the time you put up Scott McKenzie’s “If you are going to San Fransisco………………”? Well, if you do so now, be sure to take some coin with you to ride the cable cars. I was just checking out any comments over at sfgate regarding B owman and I noticed that current cable car rides are 7 bucks a pop. Unless, you buy a visitor’s pass of one day $13, 3 days for $20 and seven days for $26. Pat said when she taught in the city several years ago, it was free.

    But, regarding Bowman, Lynch did note that due to the injuries suffered by Bowman, he does not have the same lateral movement which made him feared in the past. Now, that does not mean he can not both thump and pass rush. Just that he is not the sideline to sideline player he was a few years back. Lynch did note one NFL team had been very interested in a trade for him, but, Bowman did not want to play for the team. Lynch would not say which team that had been.

    • ah. Frisco. Bay scallop as big as a baked potato. Jeez. That was good. Won’t be going to a left coast state except Washington. Hearing aids, etc. otherwise.
      You can’t go to Frisco without the cable car. I dare ya!

  • berttheclock

    Rotoworld says Ian Rapoport stated the the agent of Bowman told him he expects Bowman to be signed by some NFL team no later than Monday.

  • berttheclock

    So far none of the national so-called pundits have mentioned the Chiefs as a possible landing spot for Bowman. In addition to the Pats, Panthers losing Kuechley, Texans, other teams being added are the Ravens, Cowboys and Raiders.

    • Biggest loss? Panthers I think. Watt? yeah, but he needs the other side force to back him.

  • chiefs, 26-19