Asinine Predictions By An Anonymous Idiot, Lovingly Written By John Dillman – Week 9

 

 

 

Welcome back you gluttons for punishment. Shouldn’t you be doing chores or something? Maybe you are on the toilet or ducking your wife about cleaning the basement. Mine has been on me for the past 6 weekends to clean the basement. She should just understand by now that unless she figures out where my super secret hiding place in the garage behind the Christmas decorations is I am not cleaning that basement. Its not even my stuff anyways. She wanted to keep all of that crap instead of having a garage sale or giving it to the Salvation Army or hell, just throwing it away, so it should be up to her to clean up that mess. My last weeks predictions were all exactly right. Not that I published them, but rest assured that I was right on about every game down to the very last detail. You believe me right? Well we all know I will be nailing picks left and right this week too. So lets get to it! Here are your 100% accurate predictions.

 

Falcons at Panthers

Prediction 1: Carolina has been just awful at home and this week will not be any different. An anemic offense and an outmatched defense will come out of the Carolina locker room this weekend.

Prediction 2: The only player to record a score this week for the Panthers will be Graham Gano. If you don’t know who he is then I will tell you. He is the kicker. The guy who beat out Harrison Butker. The only points will be fieldgoals is what I’m saying.

Prediction 3: Dontari Poe will have a better passer rating than Cam Newton completing a touchdown pass to the back of the endzone to Julio Jones.

 

Colts at Texans

Prediction 1: This will be a matchup of a backup quarterback VS a terrible defense. Unfortunately even Tom Savage will prove too much for the gassed Indianapolis defense, shredding them for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.

Prediction 2: The Colts season is officially over with the team finally placing Andrew Luck on the injured reserve list leaving Indianapolis in a tough spot. The starting nod will go to Jacoby Brissett and Pagnano will regret ever signing the former Patriot. After throwing 4 interceptions in the first half Scott Tolzien will be asked to right the ship but it will be too little too late.

Prediction 3: Tolzien will complete 14 of 18 passes for 156 yards and two touchdowns.

 

Bengals at Jaguars

Prediction I: If I would have told you at the start of the season that the Jags would have the #1 ranked defense in the league you would have called for me to be committed. (Again) When the #1 rated defense goes against a porous offensive line things can get out of hand, and they certainly do this week. 6 sacks and a strip later the Jacksonville defense will reign supreme.

Prediction II: Andy Dalton, the leagues favorite ginger, will have nightmares about people from Florida after this game. Not the Jaguars. No. Just people with the sweetest mullets imaginable.

Prediction III: Have you ever seen a mullet from Florida? It is truly a thing of beauty. Flowing white trash golden locks, and I am pretty sure it is required by law to have a Joe Dirt style mustache if you want to have a business in front and party in the back hair style. This wasn’t much of a prediction. Ummm….. Two tourist will be eaten by an alligator during halftime. Does that count Laddie? (Editors Note: No… maybe… okay, yes).

 

Buccaneers at Saints

Prediction IIII: If you are picking the Bucs to pull this one out you need to have your head checked. After 4 straight losses don’t expect Tampa Bay to right the ship this week. Drew Brees has been on a tear and looks to extend his winning streak to 7 after thrashing the hapless Buccaneers.

Prediction IIIII: The Buccaneers are going to win this game. Suck on that previous writing of mine!

Prediction IIIIII: After much inner turmoil, a bag of Cool-Ranch Doritos, and a self inflicted black eye I am going to recant my previous statement. The Bucs are going to lose. I am sorry for any confusion this may have caused. (Apparently my subconscious is a huge fan of Drew Brees and doesn’t want to see his good name slandered for your amusement. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves. ASHAMED I SAY!)

 

Rams at Giants

Prediction IIIIIII: This one could go either way in a big way, but the smart money is on Los Angeles smashing the Giants at home.

Prediction IIIIIIII: Eli Manning will have flashbacks to his draft night and have a walking dream that he was never traded out of San Diego. This will cause him to totally lose his s*** and start demanding a trade, all while yelling at a vending machine. The worst part is the poor soda machine is out of Mr. Pibb. This is a crime in itself. Eli should recover somewhere around the third quarter.

Prediction IIIIIIIII: Jared Goff will enjoy a cool refreshing glass of Mr. Pibb after the game, thus starting Manning’s PTSD up in full swing again. I don’t know what it is about Mr. Pibb that gets him so riled up. Maybe he’s a Dr. Pepper kind of guy. (Editor’s Note: ArrowheadOne has no official opinion on products such as Mr. Pibb or Dr. Pepper… unless they’d like to advertise on our site… and in that case, they’re both the best). 

 

Broncos at Eagles

Prediction IIIIIIIIII: It gives me a great amount of pleasure to tell you that the Donks will be destroyed by Philadelphia.

Prediction IIIIIIIIIII: Denver will resort to Brock Osweiller this weekend and it will cost them dearly. 4 picks including 1 pick 6 will be his highlight for the day, completing an abysmal 35% of his passes won’t help either.

Prediction IIIIIIIIIIII: Carson Wentz will connect with Zach Ertz for over 200 yards and 3 touchdowns on the day.

 

Ravens at Titans

Prediction IIIIIIIIIII: DeMarco Murray will have a field day churning out over 150 yards and two scores against one of the leagues worst run defenses.

Prediction IIIIIIIIII: With everybody focusing on the game, two unstable Baltimore fans will attempt to hijack a hot dog stand. This will go very poorly and police will come to find that one of the offenders was horribly maimed by a rogue pair of tongs (“tongs,” not thongs).

Prediction IIIIIIIII: Joe Flacco, still recovering from last weeks hit by Alonso, will be a bit gun-shy this week scrambling at the slighted hint of pressure. This will cause him to have one of the worst outings of his professional career.

 

Cardinals at 49ers

Prediction IIIIIIII: I didn’t know that ESPN puts out a matchup quality list every week. This one will prove to be the worst game of the week. Palmer is out, San Fran is a mess, and there will be no one to make this game interesting. Both teams suck. Maybe next week Garoppolo will get the nod to start but until that happens just get ready to boo.

 

 

Prediction IIIIIII: BOOO!!!! [Clarification: this is 100% not in reference to Halloween]

Prediction IIIIII: Seriously, even if you are a certain San Francisco fan who frequents this particular site, avoid watching this game. You very well could have the same eye melting thing that happened in Indiana Jones happen to you… if you watch this abomination. YOU HAVE BEEN FAIRLY WARNED!

 

Redskins at Seahawks

Prediction IIIII: Unfortunately the Seahawks will win this one. Which is too bad, I actually like Kirk Cousins.

Prediction IIII: Russell Wilson will finally have some help on his offensive line allowing the passer to stay on his feet and in the pocket long enough to complete 5 touchdown passes to 4.5 different receivers.

Prediction III: The so-called 12th man will get their panties in a bunch again this week and try to take the crowd noise record away from its rightful owners. This will fail miserably.

 

Chiefs at Cowboys

Prediction II: Ezekiel Elliott will be caught bribing officials and finally have his 6 game suspension levied against him. I mean seriously, at some point you just take your lumps and serve your punishment… everybody saw you pull that chicks top down.

Prediction I: The Chiefs will win, convincingly. Bank on it. [Bank naming rights to be assessed at a later date]

Prediction O: The Kansas City defense will have problems stopping the run against a reinvigorated Dallas offense, but it will not matter because Alex Smith will bounce back with a vengeance, completing 85% of his passes and lobbing 5 touchdown throws, 2 of which will come from Travis Kelce (one right handed, one left). Oh and btw, Kareem Hunt will go gangbusters on Dallas racking up over 175 yards with two 50+ yard scampers to the endzone.

 

Raiders at Dolphins

Prediction -I: The Mack sack attack will be back, putting Cutler on his back. I like rhymes.

Prediction -II: Derek Carr will be on point this week connecting with Cooper and Crabtree for 3 touchdowns and registering some 40 yards on the ground.

Prediction -III: The Raiders will win. [I feel as if I need to go wash myself after saying that]

 

Lions at Packers

Prediction -IIII: No Aaron Rodgers, no win for Green Bay. It is that simple.

Prediction -IIIII: Matt Stafford will be sitting on the bench relaxing by halftime. A mimosa in one hand and a tablet logged on to ArrowheadOne.com in the other. (Insert subtle site advertisement here Laddie)

 

 

Prediction -IIIII: Being a Monday night game this one has to be one of the least interesting matchups in recent memory. Without Rodgers the Packers don’t stand… “une chancé dang“… French for “one dang chance.”

 

 

There we have it guys. Go see your bookies and put everything on red (and gold) this weekend. Comment below and let me know how awesomely awesome I am. As always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!

 

 

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  • Homer Dave

    Just like I told my wife the other day, John…”I told you I would get the garage cleaned and I meant it, you don’t have to keep reminding me every 6 months.”

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      You’re confusing the garage story with the taking a shower story again…lol. 😀

      • Homer Dave

        hey now, I take a shower every other Saturday night, whether I need one or not.

  • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

    I managed to watch the 1st and 4th quarter of the Bills/Jets game……..my grandkids came over during the 2nd and 3rd so……Paw Patrol it was!
    I was shocked at how easily the Jets handled the Bills…..up till that point, I was genuinely nervous the Bills could upset the AFC ……..now, not so much.

  • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

    “Tampa bay to right the ship”…….haha, I like what you did there.

    Just like CB’s “Chief concerns” in his last article…….you guys are some witty writers, I like it!

  • tm1946

    Trust me on this one….. my bride of 45 years wanted me to clean up the pontoon and straighten my tool area in the garage, at least I think she said something like that end of Sept. or early Oct. Yesterday, she did both…. so my sage advice is to relax, life is short and if you strain something, not a good thing.

    About the predictions, I pick the Chiefs to win, just do not see how. Networks will pitch the Hunt vs Elliot battle, only neither one will have to tackle the other, so, what battle? No, think I can skip the other games and will watch Chiefs over a plate of hot wings and the last 20 bottles of my home brewed beer. If that does not carry them to victory, hope for warmer weather on Monday for golf.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      If you polish off all 20 of those bottle, you won’t care who wins or loses Sunday…lol

      • tm1946

        If the truth be told, I do not even drink beer, I brew it but give it to friends… I know crazy but just me.

        • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

          My kind of friend…lol

        • berttheclock

          Unfortunately with diabetes Type II, I had to give up ale, except for a 22oz Ninsaki at Christmas. Shame that this region is loaded with micro brewers. Many of them sell nationally, but, i have noticed a large number of newbies setting up in small storefronts in the neighborhoods on both sides of the Columbia River. Even places where you can brew your own.

  • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

    I’ve been saying for over 25 years now……if only we could put a very good offense and a very good defense together in the same year. We are either an offensive team or a defensive team, but never both, I don’t get it.
    For the last four years, our defense has stepped up and kept us in games and in many cases, won the game for us…….all the while our offense lacked luster…..WE FINALLY get a year where our offense looks pretty dang good and our defense regresses.

    Again…..I don’t get it.

    • berttheclock

      Interesting article at the KC Star today by Mellinger. He compares the 6-2 record of the Chiefs with the fatalistic views held by many fans of the Chiefs. Sort of a “But, we have been burned so much before, so, why is this any different?” However, could be worse. Had Billy Beane been in charge, he would havie traded away Tyreek Hill last week.

      • tm1946

        Baseball you get to pocket all the cash you can get, the NFL has gone the parity route and letting every owner not have to spend…. we would have a lot of Browns in the league.

        As for trading, if the season goes south, as in the defense cannot get adjusted…. might well wish we did have a fire sale, I am more than happy with this year but next looks to be a bitter pill.

      • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

        Hahaha! True!
        I guess there is always a bright side.

        • berttheclock

          I lost it with him after the A’s went to KC play the Royals in June and they had the best record in the bigs. Blew all 3 games due to no bull pen, yet, Beane started trading away such as his best hitter for a starter, then, added another starter. End result was the one game playoff with the Royals where the lack of bullpen cost the A’s the game. Look at the aftermath. The Royals went forward to glory and the A’s went back to being mediocre. We were that close and the socalled genius didn’t buildup the bull pen. “Money Ball” truly is a farce.

    • you have mentioned that before. huh.

  • berttheclock

    Righting a ship sounds fine as correcting a listing problem appears to be foremost in the mind of the Captain, but, in the case of the Bucs, an upright vessel would allow the Paixhans arm of Drew Brees more areas in which to hurl his explosive tipped projectiles. The Bucs have averaged giving up 274.1 yards per game and last week, Brees only threw for 299 and no TDs against a tougher defense. Look for Brees to exploit the Bucs

    BTW, the Paixhans gun developed by a French Admiral was the main reason for the demise of wooden sailing war vessels and the beginning of the ironclads.

    • Heilios

      Good to have ya aboard matey!

  • berttheclock

    I don’t believe Ballard was wrong to acquire Brissett, but, having a very porous O-line has hurt him. Having his LOT, Costonzo (SIC) back will help. But, at this juncture when both fansided threads of the Colts and Bucs are discussing next year’s draft and the fact a QB will be foremost for the Colts early in the draft shows both teams are seriously in trouble.

  • Heilios

    Laddie thanks for the finishing touches! I love that Matthew Stafford is now an official sponsor of ArrowheadOne. He sure looks happy with all of that ArrowheadOne gear and official ArrowheadOne mimosa.

  • berttheclock

    The NFL career of the 29 year old OG, Orlando Franklin, may be over. In 2011, he was a 2nd round pick by Denver. Jumped to the Bolts in 2015 with a 5 year deal. Cut two years later, picked up by the Saints, then, quickly cut and signed with the Redskins. He has just been cut to allow DeAngelo Hall to return for their game in Seattle.

    BTW, with Earl Thomas out, Gruden wants Cousins to throw deep more often. But, Washington will be missing Reed, their TE and Crowder, one of their wideouts is still not fully able to push off due to a lingering hammy.

  • berttheclock

    John, what are the over/unders on the amount of days it will take Laddie to unpack?

    • tm1946

      Lad or his wife…. believe males sort of suck at unpacking… at least my wife has bought that for years.

    • Laddie got the Chiefs stuff, pC, and mobile and his collectibles. He is already done. right?

  • PaulFromNorthMo

    I was rewatching some of the Denver game early this morning and for anyone that recorded the Monday night game and wants to see something funny, with about 6 1/2 minutes left in the game, on the same play that Acker got his pick, it sure looks to me like Zombo pancaked the RT of the donkeys. I wish I know how to put a vid on here.

    • berttheclock

      Was that the oft troubled Menelik?

      • berttheclock

        On an ESPN replay, i can see one Broncos’ lineman down with the others trailing Siemian. Notice that he could have gained about 7 or 8 yards had he kept running.

      • PaulFromNorthMo

        I believe so, #75.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      With your phone…video your tv……your video will be in your photo album.
      When commenting here, click that little rectangle in the bottom corner and upload it. Then we can see it.

      • PaulFromNorthMo

        The only part of that I understand, is “commenting here”. I’m from Missouri, you’ll have to show me!

      • tm1946

        Is that English? No clue what you are saying….LOL

      • PaulFromNorthMo

        I’m trying with my stepsons help. Sorry, total fail.

    • ladner morse

      Attach your computer to your laptop or computer adn watch it from there. Then you can take a video capture or just a screen shot of Zombo.

      Good luck. Would love to see it.

      I just bought a house this week and the TV guy is here to install it… so, I can’t go back and do it for you. But… any time that happens again in the future, I should be able to help better.

    • Chiefly Bacon

      I use a free program called gif cam on my desktop to make a gif, then upload it to twitter. It’s fairly simple to use.

  • ladner morse
  • ladner morse
  • ladner morse
    • tm1946

      Got to boost the cowboys and Elliot, you know “America’s Team”

    • berttheclock

      I believe the word Asinine is, either Skip’s actual name Clueless.

  • ladner morse
  • ladner morse

    “The Mother of All Stats”
    by Neil Greenberg

    “One of the most reliable indicators for separating the title contenders and pretenders is by looking at passer rating differential — the difference between a team’s passer rating and the collective rating of the team’s opposing quarterbacks.”

    Neil goes on to say…

    “Quarterback Alex Smith has completed a league-high 72.4 percent of his passes for 1,979 yards, 15 touchdowns and no interceptions for a 120.5 passer rating, highest in the NFL this season. The Chiefs’ defense, meanwhile, has kept opposing quarterbacks to an 88.5 rating, giving them the highest passer rating differential in 2017….”

    That’s prior to the Denver game of course. The article is called, “The Mother of All Stats is High on the Chiefs, But Not the Patriots”

    https://twitter.com/3GravyCats/status/925913090885148672

    • intresting piece by Greenberg. Al is taking a run at some great numbers for 2017. We know that essentially Sutton is stopping the pass, keeping corners out of the box, dropping 7 as a usual rule, with differerrent guys shifting in and out –. But it’s stats. huh.

    • berttheclock

      This ties in with a study begun back in they year the Giants with Eli seemingly came out of nowhere to win it all. That was based on the game to game improvement by Eli and the fact ratings for opposing QBs kept dropping.

    • Chiefs-Kings-A’s

      I believe those stats were after 7 games…..8 games in and exactly the half way mark, Alex has 16 TDs and 2181 yards. Last week dropped his passer completion to just below 70% unfortunately, but he is on pace to 32 TD’s and over 4000 yards………not too shabby.

  • drwillez37

    Is anyone else watching the HAWKEYES put the WHOOing on the Buckeyes

    • tm1946

      For being just a football fan, OU vs OSU game was pretty good.

  • PaulFromNorthMo
    • PaulFromNorthMo

      Did this work?

      • Homer Dave

        yup, but what am I watching?

        • PaulFromNorthMo

          Zombo pancaking the RT. I thought it was funny.