Come one, come all! Gather round. Here is the greatest week 3 predictions ever amassed, brought to you by an anonymous source. (Psst…. The anonymous source is me. I am a bit deranged with the lack of jet sweeps and bubble screens.)
Chiefs at Chargers
Prediction 1: The Kansas City Chiefs will rush for over 200 yards against the Los Diego (See what I did there?) Chargers.
Prediction B: Chargers stadium in Los Angeles will have at least 1 bathroom closed due to what can only be described as “An Incident” involving a drunk guest, 3 beers, 2 overpriced stadium hot dogs, and a significant amount of toilet paper.
Prediction III: The final score of the Chiefs Chargers game will be decided by less than 6 points.
Prediction B2: Chiefs win. Bank on it baby
Prediction B3: Phillip Rivers will be so distraught over dropped pass in the third quarter that he calls his tight end Antonio Gates a “silly nanny”.
Broncos at Bills
Prediction I: Trevor Siemian will throw 3 touchdown passes by the third quarter.
Prediction X2: Bills receiver Jordan Matthews will have an eye patch by the end of the day. (Aqib Talib is supposed to be covering him. It’s not as funny since I had to explain it. You messed up my incoherent ramblings! Damn kids! Get off my lawn!!!)
Prediction Y: Denver cornerback Chris Harris will have one pick six by the time the fat lady sings.
Prediction 4: Unfortunately Denver will win. This really isn’t a prediction as much as it is a certainty.
DAMN YOU DENVER, DAMN YOU!!!!
Prediction V:Denver head coach Vance Joseph will enjoy a post game steak and be saddened by the fact that the restaurant ran out of A1.
Raiders at Redskins
Prediction 1: Raiders quarterback Derek Carr will finally get the joke from last year that the Raiders Carr broke down.
Prediction II: Kirk Cousins will throw for more passing yards and touchdowns than Derek Carr but will still lose the game by two scores.
Prediction Three: Khalil Mack will flat out destroy Cousins sacking him at least 3 times.
Prediction IV: There will be a minimum of 6 Raiders fans in attendance that will be asked to leave due to “Inappropriate Behavior With Food Stuffs”.
Prediction 5: Redskins fans will be questioning whether or not Marshawn Lynch is human after his 3rd rushing touchdown on the day.
Bengals at Packers
Prediction One: Green Bay is going to win. Its not going to be close. I tried thinking of a joke for this but all I felt was sorrow and hurt for Bengals fans everywhere.
Prediction 2: Aaron Rodgers will contemplate removing the first A from his name to make it easier for stupid fan writers to remember how to spell his name. I mean really? Why does he need two A’s? At least he doesn’t spell it Ayren. Thank God for small miracles I guess.
Prediction III: Cincinnati will score their first touchdown of the season in garbage time on Sunday.
Prediction 4: Bengals pass rusher Nick Perry will be the only team member to get a sack on the day. (BTW he is out with an injury. His sack will come from Wal-Mart and contain many good things such as Oreo’s, Lay’s sour cream and chive potato chips, and some sweet sweet Mr. Pibb.)
Prediction Five: Explosive flatulence will ruin the Lambeau leap for one very surprised and slightly disgusted Packers receiver.
Seahawks at Titans
Prediction A: Marcus Mariota will mount a game winning drive with 1 minute left on the clock ending in a 20+ yard touchdown pass from Ryan Succop. (Fake field goals are fun!)
Prediction 2: Russell Wilson will lead the Seahawks in rushing yards and rushing touchdowns.
Prediction C: Tennessee will go into the half down 3 scores.
Prediction D: The Seahawks defense will be required to relinquish the moniker “The Legion of Boom” after allowing over 21 points in the third quarter. They shall now be referred to as…. the Seattle defense. I couldn’t think of anything. I’m grasping at straws here. Get off my case! Get off my lawn!
Giants at Eagles
Prediction 1: The Eagles will get their mojo back at home convincingly defeating the Giants in a not at all close game.
Prediction 2: Giants receiver OBJ will throw a hissy fit on the sideline and wind up kicking the bench, hurting his little toe, causing him to be sent to the medical tent for the rest of the game.
Prediction 2B: Giants receiver OBJ will come back after hurting his itty bitty toe and catch two touchdown passes in the 4th quarter. Both one handed, behind the back. Suck on that Eagles fans.
Prediction 3: Eli Manning will look lost and confused for much of the game. Not really much of a prediction but I figured it would count.
Prediction 4: Philly will start fire-selling all salted pretzels at less than half price beginning after the 3rd quarter. The price of cheese will skyrocket ruining the economy of the stadium and will kick off a two week long recession and a horrible cheese drought. Many people and their pretzels will be left dry and bland. May God have mercy on their souls.
Dolphins at Jets
Prediction A: Dolphins fans will become so sick of Jay Cutler after the first quarter that they will take up a collection at half time to pay Dan Marino to come out of retirement and finish the season for them.
Prediction B: Jets running back Jay Ajayi will be the lone bright spot for an otherwise inept offense.
Prediction C: New York will have 3 different quarterbacks play come Sunday.
Prediction D: This entire game will be a mess of the finest proportions. You should watch this debacle. It will be epic.
Prediction E: The Dolphins will have more fans than the Jets in the stadium. Once again I must mention, this will be a s***show.
Texans at Patriots
Prediction 1: Jadeveon Clowney will have a tea party will Whitney Mercilus in the Patriot pocket. During this tea party someone will eventually spill the kettle and Mercilus will take his ball and go home.
Prediction 2: Despite being sacked multiple times, I must repeat MULTIPLE times, Tom Brady will somehow manage to top 400 yards passing on the day and go on to win the day with a 40 yard bomb down the right sideline.
Prediction C: Patriots personnel looking surprisingly like Dick Dastardly and Mutley will be seen leaving the Texans locker room shortly before the start of the game. A wheezing laugh was heard on their way through the door.
Prediction D: Deshaun Watson will have a field day on the slant route against the Pats D. A minimum of 3 bubbly screens will be called for a collective gain of 1/2 yard.
Ravens at Jaguars
Do I even need to do this one? Ravens win. Move along people, nothing to see here.
Saints at Panthers
Prediction A: Carolina quarterback Cam Newton will hand off the ball to running back Christian McCaffrey on the first play of the game and leave for the next two quarters. No one will notice he is gone.
Prediction B: the Panthers are gonna spank the Saints. Spank that butt good and hard.
Prediction C: Drew Brees will manage to throw for over 300 yards but not throw a single touchdown pass.
Prediction 4: McCaffrey will amass over 200 yards rushing in the slaughter of the team that was once called the Saints.
Steelers at Bears
Prediction 1: Mike Glennon will be benched before the end of the first quarter and Mitch Trubisky will go on to tear apart the rusty iron curtain defense.
Prediction two: Ben Roethlisberger won’t know what hit him when the bears defense shreds his offensive line to the tune of 5 sacks and two forced fumbles.
Prediction III: Troy Polamalu will offer the entire Steelers defense a lifetime supply of Head and Shoulders shampoo for 5 minutes of playing time in the 4th quarter.
Prediction IV: Head and Shoulders will vehemently deny any attempted claims by Pittsburgh defensive players attempting to claim their lifetime supply of shampoo.
Falcons at Lions
Prediction one: The Detroit Lions will make this game an interesting one by starting Tim Allen at tight end. Richard Karn denied to comment regarding allegations that he was asked to play safety for the game.
Prediction two: Matt Ryan connects with Detroit defenders on 3 passes in 3 quarters.
Prediction 3: Julio Jones will find paydirt 3 times in the Falcons loss to the ferocious Lions. Roar.
Prediction 3B: The Detroit offense led by Matthew Stafford will have over 500 yards from scrimmage by the time the last whistle is blown.
Browns at Colts
No one is going to watch this game, not even Andrew Luck. So I’m not going to waste my time. BOO Browns, BOO Colts. Sadness ensues. Did everyone bring their paper bags?
Buccaneers at Vikings
Prediction one: The Vikings quarterback Sam Bradford will get a glass bone transplant, thus strengthening his bone structure ten fold.
Prediction 2: The Bucs are going to win. This pained me to say. So much pain. Curse you Tampa Bay! CURSE YOU!
Prediction Three: I lost my train of thought and forgot what I wanted to say. Rest assured it was witty and hilarious. Begin laughing now.
Prediction $: I just remembered what I wanted to say. Buccaneers bad. Very much bad indeed. That is all.
Cowboys at Cardinals
Prediction 1: Carson Palmer will get his AARP card express delivered during half time and will offer any fans nearby one Werther’s Original candy. Only one. You’ll spoil your appetite.
Prediction 2: Ezekiel Elliott will pick up where he left off last week and rush for over 15 yards on 20 carries.
Prediction 3: The Cardinals defense will shut down the Cowboys offense at home in a convincing fashion.
Prediction 4: Palmer will take all of his team mates to the Country Kitchen Restaurant following the win for apple pie and a rich history lesson of what life was like when he was young.
Well there we have it guys, I told you I think I’ve lost my mind but this was actually a lot of fun to write up! My slow descent into madness was accelerated when Reid failed to call 4 bubble screens in a row. I hope you enjoyed the show. Comment below and as always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!
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