Congratulations! You have just been hired as the general manager for the Kansas City Chiefs in the far far, far, far, far, away season of 2018. (Sit there with a straight face and tell me that the season doesn’t feel like it is a millennium away. Go ahead and try. You can’t can you? Maybe I should add an extra far in there for good measure.) And your name is??? ______________ . Wow that’s a terrible name, just awful. You should be able to sue your parents for saddling you with that abomination. For my own sake and the sake of all of us here in Kansas City I shall hereby call you….. Scooter McJerkwad. Glad to have you aboard Mr. McJerkwad. I hear you come from an illustrious background in fast food. Word is you were fastest in your store on the fryolator. Good for you, that’s a career you can fall back on if this doesn’t work out. I mean there is a lot of turnover in your position, I mean, A LOT. We had this one guy, Mr. Door I think his name was, out in a blink of the eye. No worries though, you have what it takes to succeed in this cutthroat business, a luscious mane of hair. Go ahead and enjoy that Snickers bar you have in your pocket. If you don’t I’m sure Big Rad wouldn’t mind helping himself to it. Just be sure to chuck the wrapper in the trash. There have been whispers the ghost of a previous GM who goes around yelling at people for dropping candy wrappers. I wouldn’t worry too much though. He mainly stays in the stairwells and in Atlanta, ugh Atlanta. I guess you would like me to show you your new digs huh? Well down the hall and to the right is the toilet, but don’t go in there, Mr Haunt likes his privacy and he needs a place to polish his uh… yeah we won’t go into what he is polishing in there but we will just say it isn’t a Lombardi Trophy. Right across the hall is your office. How about we take a look in there. Wow, nice office. Big desk, I’m sure that phone does more than the one they gave me, mine only calls the local pizza shop to make sure we have our standing order on the way. I’m a bit of a nobody here, not like you Mr. McJerkwad. You are at the tippity top of the totem pole and apparently you can do whatever you want. Your predecessors got right into changing this team into what you believe will be a winner. Never mind what the fans think, just uh… you do you. That is unless you piss them off so much they start protesting and holy hell breaks… get this, they actually hired a plane and had a banner made to get Mr. Haunt to remove a quarterback, I think his name had something to do with sand. I hear he is doing well now, professional clipboard holder in Tennessee I believe. They also fought to oust a previous GM. Worked too… just thinking about it gives me chills. “WRAPPERS!!!” Holy crap did you hear that? No? Maybe you should get your ears checked there Scooter. Hey, would you be opposed to letting me call you Scoots? Ahh, I see… well… your real name is atrocious so I shant be calling you that. Okay, okay… back to Mr. McJerkwad it is. We should really get down to business. We could do some actual work or maybe I should show you the locker room? You want to get down to business? Welp I guess I’m just going to ignore what you are wanting to do and take you to the locker room. Follow me Scoots. Really? You don’t like Scoots? You don’t need to yell, jeez, right this way your lordship. You are beginning to remind me of this King Carl twit who was here before. I know it was a bit of a hike but we have finally made it. Behind these doors is the locker room of your players. Now, not to put any pressure on you but the guys will be looking to you for guidance and assurance that they will still have a job after you leave the room. If you’d like I can get the rumor started that you are more than willing to fire somebody by text message. That Mr. Door guy had no qualms about doing it by voicemail so I’m sure a text would be fine. In we go! Ahh… just smell that. It’s the smell of…. oh dear lord it smells awful! It smells like feet wrapped in leathery burnt bacon. Maybe you should text Esmerelda if you get my drift. She’s been slacking as of late anyway. I don’t know what her deal is. She was really into Marcus Peepers but he was let go and she hasn’t been the same since. Let’s just say “she REALLY into Mr. Peepers” or should I say Mr. Peepers was into her. Ok, ok, ok, enough gossip. Who’s gettin’ fired? No-one? You sure? You sure you’re sure?? Well, we have this salary cap thingy that is apparently a big deal. They say bad things happen if you go over but them Mile High Donkeys went over for like 3 years running and they got a trophy for it. I’m sure we can just fudge some numbers and… “Bob’s your uncle?” You have an uncle Bob? Hmmm…. I don’t think I’ve ever run into this before. I guess Bob really is your uncle. Well, bully for you lets move on. How about taking a look around the field area? Yeah it’s a quick walk out to there. Just go straight down that tunnel there but be careful. Every one says that if you walk out there flames shoot into the air. It never happens to me but I guess it’s known to happen. No flames huh? Man we really should fire the pyro guy. That assjack not showing up on a Tuesday morning is really unprofessional. Everyone knows Tuesday is fireball day. I know a guy who would be perfect for the job. Do you know how to speak Swahili? If not he also speaks in tongues, it’s a bit weird communicating through a demon but he is good at what he does. I’ll get you his contact info, I know his number begins with 666. Whoa! Watch out for the horse crap. Every time we clean that mess up they run that stupid horse up and down the sidelines. Esmerelda really should be let go. You wouldn’t even have to text her, you could do it by tweet. Fine give her another chance, she’s already had a dozen, what’s a hundred more?. So what do you think of your new domain? Much better than greasy griddles and fryers am I right? I guess you’ll miss that employee discount and all those apple pies if you work to close. So what’s next? We should really take a look at this cap thing. I hate to keep bringing it up but it’s really important, or so I’m told. Mounds upon mounds upon mounds of papers. Welp sucks to be you McJerkwad. Ahem, Mr. McJerkwad. Who’s the first casualty of your reign of terror? Ahh, a Mr. Parkerson. Says here he’s bout’ to be due a big chunk of change. Before you jump on twitter to tell him the news maybe take a look at who could potentially replace him. We could always bring in someone, but that takes money and… you’re a tight-A am I right? We have a couple guys on the roster now, where are their files. Ahh, here they are! So the players who can realistically play Mr. Parkerson’s position are Douglas SoreSun and Derick Murphy. If it were my bee-you-tea-tea on the line I would just cough up the cash and keep the devil you know. Douglas is great depth and can fill-in, in a pinch and as for Murphy he just doesn’t have the experience necessary to be considered for the full time role. Who else is on your cut list? Yes, Mr. Pinto. Well I think you would make a few friends in the diehard fans if you were to cut that turd loose…. what… no, I said, “cut that bird loose”… I guess next would be Comeley. I really wouldn’t give up on him yet. He has a good rapport with your new fangled quarterback and was looking pretty good before he was injured watering his spice garden. What else you got? Mr. Haulý. Well that cut may lose you a few followers on Facebook but if you want my honest opinion he should have probably been “sacked” a season ago, pun definitely intended. Oh you didn’t ask for my opinion. So just what the heck am I doing here? Oh, that’s why you called security. Well I know I don’t exactly “work” here but I think you are being just a bit ungrateful. I took the time out of my day and offered to help you out. Get your hands off me! I know where the door is, I’m the one who showed you where it was! By the way would you mind providing me with a letter of reference? I’m going to try to get my old job back writing awesome fan articles for this insufferably nice guy named Mr. Horse. If you could just tweet that to me… that would be great.
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