Asinine Predictions By An Anonymous Idiot, Lovingly Written By John Dillman – Week 6

Another week another round of skipped meds! Welcome back all to the best thing to happen to Saturday mornings ever since the Wacky Races showed everyone that cartoon violence and attempted vehicular manslaughter were definitely things to laugh at! I was a bit hit and miss with my predictions last week, which is too bad. I was looking forward to the Spam filled apocalypse brought to us by our masters and overlords, Da Bears. You have been chomping at the bit to know what idiotic bit of fancy I would be able to get away with writing this time and oh boy will I deliver. BTW Laddie has yet to censor me. So either through his negligence or through some act of God I am able to keep writing what ever falls out of my brain on to a ever shifting keyboard. (If something doesn’t happen soon this could get really out of hand. I truly need moderated.) So lets tighten up the straight jacket and skydive right in to my deranged mind.

Dolphins at Falcons

Prediction 1: The Atlanta Falcons will steamroll what ever quarterback that the hapless Dolphins manage to find in the stands. Poor guy. All he wanted was to watch the game and to enjoy a beer and a braut.

Prediction 2: Matt Ryan will throw more interceptions than touchdowns and still win the game handily.

Prediction 3: Miami will soon become ground zero for the zombie apocalypse. Being that they will be more appealing and too slow to put up much resistance, fat beach-goers will be the first to become human happy meals. Next on the menu will be the Dolphins offense. Wait…. This just in…. The Miami Dolphins offense has apparently already been turned. This would explain their anemic play and abysmal stats. Back to you in the news room Laddie.

Bears at Ravens

Prediction A: The Bears will put up a valiant effort against a John Harbaugh led Ravens but ultimately will fall. Harbaugh is deadly against rookie signal callers going 9-0 in his career and his perfect record will not change.

Prediction B: After being let down last week, the militant group only known as Da Bears will retreat into their deep dish pizzas and Dick Butkus mustaches to regroup and possibly consider an easier line of work. Being a Bears fan is hard. At least you’re not a Browns fan. Those poor bastards.

Prediction C: Mitchell Trubisky will show why he was a first round pick with several pinpoint throws. The only problem is these throws will happen in garbage time as the Bears will trail the Ravens by more than 20 points in the 4th quarter.

Browns at Texans

Prediction !: Let us all take a moment of silence for Browns fans everywhere…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Those poor bastards.

Prediction @: Seriously. Imagine what it would be like to be a Cleveland fan, of any sport. The Browns, sigh. The Cavaliers, meh. The Indians, dear sweet little baby Jesus help these people.

Prediction #: The Texans are going to stomp a mudhole into the Browns. I would give you a wild prediction of the final score but I am not even sure I am crazy enough right now to get anywhere near. Lets just say it will be a huge score gap between the two. Fun little tidbit, the Browns benched their newest quarterback DeShone Kizer. Poor guy, had his whole career ahead of him and now…. Tisk tisk tisk.

Packers at Vikings

Prediction 1: The rivalry of the North will live on strong and true. The cops will be out in force in Minneapolis and a minimum of 12 fans will be in handcuffs by the end of the day. Everyone wearing one of those stupid wedges of cheese on their heads should be on notice that they are one accidental spilled drink away from a full on bout of fisticuffs!

Prediction 1B: Aaron Rodgers will still refuse my letters to change his name and drop the pretentious second A from his name. The first A is pretty cool but the second is a petty jerk. That and he will throw 5 touchdowns and no interceptions posting a perfect passer rating.

Prediction 1C: Sam Bradford is still plugging away with his glass bone transplant. Surprisingly after taking 7 sacks on the day he will still be in one piece and ready to move on to week 7.

Lions at Saints

Prediction Z: The Lions offensive line will surrender no less than 5 sacks on the day. Poor Stafford, he has already been sacked 12 times in 2 weeks. If this keeps up he will need a rascal and a fanny pack just to make it to work.

Prediction Y: Drew Brees throws 3 picks but will totally redeem himself passing for over 400 yards and 4 touchdowns in the home victory.

Prediction X: New Orleans will be the first NFL team to use a t-shirt cannon to fire shrimp po-boys into a waiting audience. Sadly they will have no sauce on them as that screws with the trajectory and flight path of the shrimp making it harder than “help” to hit anything beyond 15 feet. Oh, and God help you if you happen to be sitting in the first few rows. Those delicious sandwiches will be traveling at over 50 miles per hour making it dangerous, borderline deadly to catch one.

Patriots at Jets

Prediction I: Rob Gronkowski will continue his long legacy of injuries missing the second half of the game after slipping on an ice cube and getting covered in boo-boos exiting the tunnel after halftime.

Prediction II: The field team at MetLife Stadium (Such a boring name.) will forget to repaint the field and the Jets will be forced to play the game with the Giants name emblazoned in the endzone.

Prediction III: Tom Brady will be Tom Brady. As opposed to being someone other than Tom Brady, Tom Brady being who he is, Tom Brady, will use all of his Tom Brady skills to out Tom Brady the Tom Brady-less Jets, thus ensuring a victory for none other than Tom Brady. Tom Brady. Sorry, it had to be an even number of Tom Brady’s. Oh wait… CRAP!

49ers at Redskins

Prediction Q: San Francisco is a dumpster fire and its not going to change any time soon. Nothing to see here, move along people.

Prediction W: I thought I said move along. If you don’t I’m going to tell on you.

Prediction E: LADDIE!!! THEY AREN’T MOVING ALONG!

Buccaneers at Cardinals

Prediction R: The Bucs were showing signs of life last week tallying 3 sacks against Tom Brady (HAHAHAHA I MADE IT EVEN!) With Arizona already giving up 19 sacks this season Tampa Bay should be off to the races. I would imagine Palmer tasting sod at least 4 times.

Prediction T: The trade for Adrian Peterson will pay off in spades as both he and Carson Palmer qualify for the early bird special at the Country Kitchen. Now Carson will have someone his age to relive the glory days of radio and the dance known as the Charleston.

Prediction Y: Adrian Peterson will find paydirt 3 times rushing and Palmer will hit Fitzgerald twice in the endzone in a great win on their home turf.

Rams at Jaguars

Prediction A1: The Jags have actually looked decent this year and will win back to back games. Jags over Rams 27-17.

Prediction B1: Jared Goff and Blake Bortles will exchange jerseys after the game. Not so interesting but it will happen.

Prediction C1: The trade rumors that Jacksonville is going to trade for Eli Manning will ramp up after Tom Coughlin whips out his light bright and makes the number 10 with the limited pieces he has left. Those damn pegs always disappear and it would seem the only reasonable way to find one is to step on the piece in the middle of the night as you guess your way through the minefield of toys and random mess on the way to the bathroom in the dark. Sorry I had to vent. We got the kids a light bright and sure as snot I managed to find the pieces last night, half asleep, in the dark, on the way to the bathroom. All I wanted to do was take a leak and get back to my warm bed before my jerk of a Golden Retriever stole my spot. Is that too much to ask for???

Steelers at Chiefs

Prediction 1X: Arrowhead will be it boisterous self come kickoff mid-afternoon Sunday. So much so that Pittsburgh will commit 3 delay of game penalties in all of the noise and confusion.

Prediction 1Y: Roethlisberger will show that even in the twilight of his career he still has it completing 75% of his passes with only one interception on the day.

Prediction 1Z: As much as it pains me to say this, I just don’t know about this game. The Steelers have had our number the last few times we’ve met and as much as I would love to see our undefeated streak continue I can not in good conscience say with 100% certainty that we will walk away with a big W come Sunday. So what I can say is that Kareem Hunt will continue his march into the record books with 150 yards rushing and 3 touchdowns.

Chargers at Raiders

Prediction 9: Joey Bosa is going to make Derek Carr wish that they would have just placed him on injured reserve. In his first game back from a back injury he will be plowed into the dirt 3 times by Bosa. Eli Manning better make room, Bosa is going to wind up owning Carr by the end of the day. Maybe they can be roomies?

Prediction 10: Phillip Rivers will put on a clinic, thoroughly spanking the Oakland defense and winning the day with 5 passing touchdowns.

Prediction 8: The last Raiders fan will finally get the joke that the Raiders Carr broke down. He does not take it well. Not well at all.

Giants at Broncos

Unfortunately I do not have any predictions or comments for this game other than the fact that the Giants should have stayed home and saved everyone the trouble of watching them get destroyed by Denver.

Colts at Titans

Prediction 7: Kansas City East will surely emerge victorious on the glorious field of battle as they lock steel with the mighty Colts. Well not mighty I guess, maybe inept is the word I’m looking for. The Colts are just awful. Without Andrew Luck they have zero chance winning this game.

Prediction ^: Andrew Luck will be shown to be faking his injury just so he doesn’t have to play with the Colts offense anymore. Suck for Luck backfired! LOL

Prediciton 5: Mariota will have 2 picks and 4 touchdowns in the slaughter of the Colts.

So what do you think guys? Will my crazy ideas come to fruition? Let me know what you think and comment below. As always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!

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