Asinine Predictions By An Anonymous Idiot, Lovingly Written By John Dillman – Week 9

Welcome back you gluttons for punishment. Shouldn’t you be doing chores or something? Maybe you are on the toilet or ducking your wife about cleaning the basement. Mine has been on me for the past 6 weekends to clean the basement. She should just understand by now that unless she figures out where my super secret hiding place in the garage behind the Christmas decorations is I am not cleaning that basement. Its not even my stuff anyways. She wanted to keep all of that crap instead of having a garage sale or giving it to the Salvation Army or hell, just throwing it away, so it should be up to her to clean up that mess. My last weeks predictions were all exactly right. Not that I published them, but rest assured that I was right on about every game down to the very last detail. You believe me right? Well we all know I will be nailing picks left and right this week too. So lets get to it! Here are your 100% accurate predictions.

Falcons at Panthers

Prediction 1: Carolina has been just awful at home and this week will not be any different. An anemic offense and an outmatched defense will come out of the Carolina locker room this weekend.

Prediction 2: The only player to record a score this week for the Panthers will be Graham Gano. If you don’t know who he is then I will tell you. He is the kicker. The guy who beat out Harrison Butker. The only points will be fieldgoals is what I’m saying.

Prediction 3: Dontari Poe will have a better passer rating than Cam Newton completing a touchdown pass to the back of the endzone to Julio Jones.

Colts at Texans

Prediction 1: This will be a matchup of a backup quarterback VS a terrible defense. Unfortunately even Tom Savage will prove too much for the gassed Indianapolis defense, shredding them for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns.

Prediction 2: The Colts season is officially over with the team finally placing Andrew Luck on the injured reserve list leaving Indianapolis in a tough spot. The starting nod will go to Jacoby Brissett and Pagnano will regret ever signing the former Patriot. After throwing 4 interceptions in the first half Scott Tolzien will be asked to right the ship but it will be too little too late.

Prediction 3: Tolzien will complete 14 of 18 passes for 156 yards and two touchdowns.

Bengals at Jaguars

Prediction I: If I would have told you at the start of the season that the Jags would have the #1 ranked defense in the league you would have called for me to be committed. (Again) When the #1 rated defense goes against a porous offensive line things can get out of hand, and they certainly do this week. 6 sacks and a strip later the Jacksonville defense will reign supreme.

Prediction II: Andy Dalton, the leagues favorite ginger, will have nightmares about people from Florida after this game. Not the Jaguars. No. Just people with the sweetest mullets imaginable.

Prediction III: Have you ever seen a mullet from Florida? It is truly a thing of beauty. Flowing white trash golden locks, and I am pretty sure it is required by law to have a Joe Dirt style mustache if you want to have a business in front and party in the back hair style. This wasn’t much of a prediction. Ummm….. Two tourist will be eaten by an alligator during halftime. Does that count Laddie? (Editors Note: No… maybe… okay, yes).

Buccaneers at Saints

Prediction IIII: If you are picking the Bucs to pull this one out you need to have your head checked. After 4 straight losses don’t expect Tampa Bay to right the ship this week. Drew Brees has been on a tear and looks to extend his winning streak to 7 after thrashing the hapless Buccaneers.

Prediction IIIII: The Buccaneers are going to win this game. Suck on that previous writing of mine!

Prediction IIIIII: After much inner turmoil, a bag of Cool-Ranch Doritos, and a self inflicted black eye I am going to recant my previous statement. The Bucs are going to lose. I am sorry for any confusion this may have caused. (Apparently my subconscious is a huge fan of Drew Brees and doesn’t want to see his good name slandered for your amusement. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves. ASHAMED I SAY!)

Rams at Giants

Prediction IIIIIII: This one could go either way in a big way, but the smart money is on Los Angeles smashing the Giants at home.

Prediction IIIIIIII: Eli Manning will have flashbacks to his draft night and have a walking dream that he was never traded out of San Diego. This will cause him to totally lose his s*** and start demanding a trade, all while yelling at a vending machine. The worst part is the poor soda machine is out of Mr. Pibb. This is a crime in itself. Eli should recover somewhere around the third quarter.

Prediction IIIIIIIII: Jared Goff will enjoy a cool refreshing glass of Mr. Pibb after the game, thus starting Manning’s PTSD up in full swing again. I don’t know what it is about Mr. Pibb that gets him so riled up. Maybe he’s a Dr. Pepper kind of guy. (Editor’s Note: ArrowheadOne has no official opinion on products such as Mr. Pibb or Dr. Pepper… unless they’d like to advertise on our site… and in that case, they’re both the best). 

Broncos at Eagles

Prediction IIIIIIIIII: It gives me a great amount of pleasure to tell you that the Donks will be destroyed by Philadelphia.

Prediction IIIIIIIIIII: Denver will resort to Brock Osweiller this weekend and it will cost them dearly. 4 picks including 1 pick 6 will be his highlight for the day, completing an abysmal 35% of his passes won’t help either.

Prediction IIIIIIIIIIII: Carson Wentz will connect with Zach Ertz for over 200 yards and 3 touchdowns on the day.

Ravens at Titans

Prediction IIIIIIIIIII: DeMarco Murray will have a field day churning out over 150 yards and two scores against one of the leagues worst run defenses.

Prediction IIIIIIIIII: With everybody focusing on the game, two unstable Baltimore fans will attempt to hijack a hot dog stand. This will go very poorly and police will come to find that one of the offenders was horribly maimed by a rogue pair of tongs (“tongs,” not thongs).

Prediction IIIIIIIII: Joe Flacco, still recovering from last weeks hit by Alonso, will be a bit gun-shy this week scrambling at the slighted hint of pressure. This will cause him to have one of the worst outings of his professional career.

Cardinals at 49ers

Prediction IIIIIIII: I didn’t know that ESPN puts out a matchup quality list every week. This one will prove to be the worst game of the week. Palmer is out, San Fran is a mess, and there will be no one to make this game interesting. Both teams suck. Maybe next week Garoppolo will get the nod to start but until that happens just get ready to boo.

Prediction IIIIIII: BOOO!!!! [Clarification: this is 100% not in reference to Halloween]

Prediction IIIIII: Seriously, even if you are a certain San Francisco fan who frequents this particular site, avoid watching this game. You very well could have the same eye melting thing that happened in Indiana Jones happen to you… if you watch this abomination. YOU HAVE BEEN FAIRLY WARNED!

Redskins at Seahawks

Prediction IIIII: Unfortunately the Seahawks will win this one. Which is too bad, I actually like Kirk Cousins.

Prediction IIII: Russell Wilson will finally have some help on his offensive line allowing the passer to stay on his feet and in the pocket long enough to complete 5 touchdown passes to 4.5 different receivers.

Prediction III: The so-called 12th man will get their panties in a bunch again this week and try to take the crowd noise record away from its rightful owners. This will fail miserably.

Chiefs at Cowboys

Prediction II: Ezekiel Elliott will be caught bribing officials and finally have his 6 game suspension levied against him. I mean seriously, at some point you just take your lumps and serve your punishment… everybody saw you pull that chicks top down.

Prediction I: The Chiefs will win, convincingly. Bank on it. [Bank naming rights to be assessed at a later date]

Prediction O: The Kansas City defense will have problems stopping the run against a reinvigorated Dallas offense, but it will not matter because Alex Smith will bounce back with a vengeance, completing 85% of his passes and lobbing 5 touchdown throws, 2 of which will come from Travis Kelce (one right handed, one left). Oh and btw, Kareem Hunt will go gangbusters on Dallas racking up over 175 yards with two 50+ yard scampers to the endzone.

Raiders at Dolphins

Prediction -I: The Mack sack attack will be back, putting Cutler on his back. I like rhymes.

Prediction -II: Derek Carr will be on point this week connecting with Cooper and Crabtree for 3 touchdowns and registering some 40 yards on the ground.

Prediction -III: The Raiders will win. [I feel as if I need to go wash myself after saying that]

Lions at Packers

Prediction -IIII: No Aaron Rodgers, no win for Green Bay. It is that simple.

Prediction -IIIII: Matt Stafford will be sitting on the bench relaxing by halftime. A mimosa in one hand and a tablet logged on to ArrowheadOne.com in the other. (Insert subtle site advertisement here Laddie)

Prediction -IIIII: Being a Monday night game this one has to be one of the least interesting matchups in recent memory. Without Rodgers the Packers don’t stand… “une chancé dang“… French for “one dang chance.”

There we have it guys. Go see your bookies and put everything on red (and gold) this weekend. Comment below and let me know how awesomely awesome I am. As always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!

If you are viewing this in Apple News and would like to join the Discussion, [GO HERE.](http://arrowheadone.com/asinine-predictions-by-an-anonymous-idiot-lovingly-written-by-john-dillman-week-9/#disqus_thread)