What’s up Chiefs nation!! The regular season has come and gone, and the Kansas City Chiefs are the 2 seed. A second date with the Steelers is on tap, and path to Super Bowl LVI is clear. Do I expect the Chiefs win that game? Yeah, I do!! I took a week hiatus from the random story game, but I am back with a new edition this week. So here we go and let me…

Set the Scene

Wisconsin is a normal state. We certainly have our share of Sconnie — relating to Wisconsin — idiosyncrasies, but we’re a garden variety state in the Union. Interstate highways run through, and the maintenance situation is always inconvenient. We have a governor and capital city. Car tags renew on an annual basis, and we pay our taxes for the new sticker. This is simple, boring stuff. Milwaukee, like most American cities, requires a passed emissions test to renew tags, and it is another step to finishing the process.

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I get a letter in the mail to renew tags in the November range, and they are due end of December. This is an annual thing and my average time frame of paying the tags and taxes fees is 12/28-1/5. This is due to a handful of factors:

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• I am dealing with the Christmas and New Year holiday seasons
• The government gets my money the day it’s due and not a second before
• This is the worst timing of the year put a sticker on in the salt coated blistering cold
• And the emissions test is hard
• Stuff like this always gets pushed to the last minute

Let’s dig into the 4th bullet amid my general contempt for bureaucratic process. On paper the emissions test is simple: take your car to a specified place to have it certified. I will not argue that the rules are clear.

A Simply Complicated Task

The rules are clear: my 2016 Chrysler Town and Country must be checked to meet emissions standards. It is imperative I check this box prior to sending the State of Wisconsin $175 to cover my Milwaukee Brewers personalized license plates, which affirm my right to travel the roads. I care about being green, efficient, and operating a well-maintained vehicle. It also is an easy path to understand the need for rules. Persons like me register their vehicles and drive like normal. A person is smart. Tommy Lee Jones as K on Men in Black does point out that people are dumb, irrational animals. This could lead to poison spewing death machines if not checked. I take that as the reason we emissions test.

I zeroed on the renewal date and found my local testing site. The process is simple: locate, bring your registration letter, get tested, pass, and go online to pay annual registration. Things went a bit awry when my spot of choice quit being part of the process. The let the world know by putting a “no emissions testing today” sign on their door and doubled down by hanging up on you when you call to inquire. Nice guys over there at name redacted. So, I found a new spot.

A Brief Detour to Properly Implicate Myself

The above process is not hard, and it is not unreasonably tedious beyond blocking the time, but it does require checking a box, and that is passing “emissions.” Here is the detour. My car is getting up there in age and miles, so the time arrived for some routine maintenance. I expected and formulated a plan to address it. The 2 primary needs were brakes and spark plug replacements. I am in no way a gear head, but I am mechanically inclined. I am also generally well connected, so I have a guy for many things. In this situation I have a friend who is a gear head, knows his way around a garage, has a lift and all the tools to do everything, and was willing to help me save a couple grand.

We set the day to do the brakes and change the oil, and the plan was to hit the plugs if time permitted. This was back in November. The tasks at hand went smoothly, but the plugs did not happen. No issues. We’ll knock it out next time. Along with the coolant sensors.

An Inconvenient Engine Code

Oh yeah, there was a check engine code as well. This one was P128, which indicates a faulty coolant sensor, and it caused the check engine light. Not a dire situation, but something to fix. I grabbed the part when buying all the brakes and oil stuff. The sensor itself was accessible at brake change height and required 2 minutes and a wrench to swap out. We bled the brakes, put on the tires, changed the oil, and started the van. A quick code check was performed to verify the sensor was set. The code remained and the engine light was still on.

Well, dang it.

A quick Google search confirmed that there are 2 sensors (because of course), and we replaced the wrong one. It also indicated a faulty coolant pump could be the culprit. So bought the second sensor and a coolant pump for the sake of being thorough. The second sensor resides on under the intake manifold, which is a pain. It’s also fine because that must come off to replace the plugs. This would happen in due time, and I was not in a particular hurry.

Kicking the Can

The van was running fine and I’m a busy guy, so priority to do the remaining maintenance was not there. I was more than content to kick the can on setting the time to change the sensors and plugs. Then the concerns started to roll in. My first issue came the day I realized a Chrysler vehicle’s remote start does not work if the check engine light is on. That’s a bit of BS, but fine until it gets cold out. Well, I live in Wisconsin so that became a problem shortly after Thanksgiving. Getting into a cold car is something I can deal with, but I am often not alone.

The other thing that sucks about not having remote start is the defroster cannot be started without going outside. Frost has zero use in my book with two exceptions and they are both in movies. The first instance is in Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels’ Harry licks the ski lift pole. Hysterical touch in one of my favorite comedies. The other is the scene early in Gladiator when the sword sticks in the holster giving Maximus a chance to fight. Please notice neither of these scenes include me using a scraper.

A Bigger Problem

The real issue came when I visited the new place to get my “emissions” tested. My old spot would come to the parking lot, take the van, and come back with a passing report. The assumption was a hose being placed on the exhaust. The new place is a drive thru situation. I was surprised to be asked to get out of the driver’s seat as the kid doing the test pulled a long cable and plugged into the computer for the van. My expectation was a passing inspection right up to the moment I was handed a report of FAIL. That’s right, I failed an “emissions” test that did not pass emissions testing.

I left the place aggravated but motivated to get the maintenance done. I called my friend to gauge his schedule on my way back home. We picked a date and changed the sensors and pump and did a full coolant flush. Everything went smoothly except for a broken plug we had to work through, but all good and the engine light was off, so I blocked time to hit the “emissions” place the following day.

Don’t Forget to Drive Cycle

I show back up to the drive through test place on a Monday fully confident of passing the test. Well, I didn’t fail, but I did get rejected. I am not a car guy, so there is plenty I don’t know about them. I learned something at this time that I have a hard time calling good knowledge, but it is new knowledge. The kid testing told me I needed to “drive the car a bit” to clear the code. This time I left the place flat out mad at the ridiculous situation.

I calmed myself and called the dealership where I bought the van. The guy on the other end was not only ready for the question, but instantly helpful. He explained that I had to drive cycle to get the computer to recognize the repair. This included turning the van on, driving, and turning it off 5-10 times, and it needed to have freeway and surface street driving. I understand but refuse to concede that this makes any sense.

Final Resolution

I got back to the testing place for a third time and pass the “emissions” test. The testing person was an older guy this time and shared in a brief laugh with the frustration of the situation. He was also able to pay the tags online and get me the new year sticker, which is yellow. I left the shop feeling relieved the whole thing was over and thought a bit more about the whole thing. My conclusion was that the computer on the van was maddening and the someone should be smacked for letting the programming run that way. The first instinct was Chrysler for not fixing a known programming bug.

I did pivot quickly to the EPA as the likely culprit for having this as a programming requirement to “be sure.” It is ridiculous that this process is called an emissions test. I believe in the EPA, am glad it exists. An initiative to cane people who litter like they do in Singapore would receive my full support. However, I view EPA regulations as needed to prevent mercury from being poured in Lake Michigan, and not to stop full functioning and maintained vehicle’s owners from giving the State of Wisconsin $170.

Two Final Car Points

The most ridiculous part of this entire saga is how it ultimately has the potential to undermine itself. Someone with vast car knowledge can re-tune an engine quite easily. A potential tune could include sending exhaust through the engine a second time to re-burn. This is a European style tune that will increase the fuel efficiency and run the motor cleaner but does spit out a dirtier exhaust. This presents a philosophical question of what is more green: cleaner exhaust or lower fuel usage and longer running cars. My inclination is the second, and I would love to see research to validate either way.

The other point I must mention is on behalf of my dad. I told him this story and he mentioned frustration that Chevy has started making trucks with wipers below the defrost line. That is a garbage design indeed.

How About Them Chiefs!

Thanks as always for entertaining my desire to write a long-winded, barely relevant story. I do tie this one back to the Chiefs season. The first 7 weeks of the season had a vibe like the check engine light:

• The car was fine through the Browns game
• Check engine lit up after the back-to-back losses to the Ravens and Chargers
• The Eagles win made everything seem in enough order
• A loss to the Bills was remote start not working
• WFT let us know we could just keep driving and to get the emission checked
• The Titans were –> the Failed test!
• The system is dumb, but the rules are clear. In the Chiefs execution of the first part of the season there were some basic rules being ignored by the team. The most notable was to not turn the ball over. That was specific crime in the Baltimore game. The Chiefs were playing sloppy, lazy, and horrible on defense. Many fans called from Spags’ head starting almost immediately. I was not one of said fans, but I have to admit I considered the points after the Titans game.

Positive Changes

The main thing I want to point out is Clark, Veach and Reid blocking out all the noise and staying the course. They clearly know more than all of us and should not care what we say (for the most part). That’s my equivalent to doing regular maintenance. The next thing that happened was getting our D personnel all healthy. Having a fit Bolton, Gay, and Jones is like getting all the sensors in order. But the spark plug replacement is adding Melvin Ingram. Credit Veach for making the in-season addition (and drafting the before mentioned linebackers) and Spags for getting the D on track.

In this continued analogy the maintained vehicle and passed emissions test means a smooth ride. And the last 10 weeks of the CHIEFS season was a smooth ride. It was not without dicey spots. The narrow victories over the Aaron Rodgers-less Packers and Giants were concerning, but also right after the maintenance. The season did end with a loss to the Bengals due to a flat second half, and a tight win over a Broncos team that fired their coach the next day. But it also ended on a 9-1 stretch.

Week 18 Recap

I did not expect this game to be a shootout, but that’s what we got. Scoring in the 20s is a good offensive day for the Broncos, and their offense looked mostly functional. Drew Lock played well enough to potentially get one more crack at the QB job. I see this as great news because he is clearly not the answer, but I am cool watching Denver spin their wheels a bit.

Denver treated this game as their Super Bowl, which makes sense. The CHIEFS needed to win this game to secure at least 2 home games in the playoffs, but the Broncos were playing to end the dominance. The CHIEFS have officially swept the Broncos for 7 straight seasons, and they were motivated to avoid that. However, they, like fate in the Blink-182 song Feelin This, fell short this time. So, I raise my glass and say Cheers to 7 years of dominance and here’s to many more.

Checking in on Playoff Picks

My final seeding projection from last week was close. I correctly called the Raiders beating the Chargers and the latter missing the post season. That team should be ashamed of itself not getting Herbert on the big stage. I gave the Bengals too much credit for a team without its QB and RB1, and they slipped to the 4. But the biggest miss on my (and everyone else’s) part was expecting the Colts to handle Jacksonville. If the Chargers should be ashamed the Colts should disappear into the night.

On the NFC side I discounted the 49ers and picked the Saints. San Fran showed up and now present Dallas with a tough matchup this weekend. Three of my four divisional round projections are no longer possible, so here are my new predictions:

• Raiders @ Titans
• Bills @ CHIEFS
• 49ers @ Packers
• Cardinals @ Bucs

Happy Playoffs everyone!!

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Josh Kingsley — ArrowheadOne

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