Chiefs Fan Frivolity: GOATing a Pats Fan – One of my favorite pastimes ever is spotting a Patriots fan at a bar and engaging them in a friendly — but lively — conversation about football. I’ve done it for going on thirty years now. It first started with Raiders fans, but after I realized the likelihood that the Raiders fan might have a felony or two on their record and a propensity towards violence, I stopped. It was at a bar in Rose City, California, that a sucker punch from a 6’2, 250 lbs. Raiders fan convinced me. If I recollect correctly (not sure, between the punch to the side of the head, my head hitting the floor, and the sheer amount of shots of Tequila prior), but I believe the catalyst comment was, “Marcus Allen looks a lot better in a Chiefs uniform.“
So, with that, the burgeoning — at that time — dynasty, the New England Patriots became my favorite target. There are but three rules to my past-time:
- Don’t start if the Patriots fan is over twenty pounds heavier and/or one inch taller than yourself,
- Have your (and their) statistics memorized prior, and
- Never indulge in this “pastime” in any bar north of the New York state border.
I don’t get to indulge in my pastime much anymore. I no longer frequent bars as much as in the past and I no longer travel for work. Patriots fans are hard to find in the St. Louis metro area. I’m lucky to engage once or twice a year. When I do, though, great fun is had.
Here’s the scenario. I walk into the bar, spot a Patriots jersey, and if the bar stool next to is empty, I’m there. I give myself bonus points if I’m wearing a Chiefs jersey, or sporting a Chiefs cap. If the Patriots fan has a true Boston accent, I double my points. So, here we go. I belly up to the bar next to our unsuspecting Patriots fan and order a beer. I glance at my bar mate in the Patriots jersey, usually a Tom Brady or Rob Gronkowski jersey:
Me: So, you’re a football fan, huh?
Patriots Fan: Yeah.
This is immediately followed by a bunch of nonsense about the greatness of the Patriots and/or Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. I listen patiently until aforementioned drivel ends.
Me: So who’s the greatest tight end ever? (Never start with the quarterback).
Patriots Fan: Gronk.
Me: Gronk who?
Patriots Fan: (The F-Bombs aren’t included here, but they are numerous and consistent throughout the conversation). Are you kidding me? Rob Gronkowski, the Gronk.
Me: Oh, I think I’ve heard of him. Do you really think he’s better than Tony Gonzalez?
Patriots Fan: Gronk has three Super Bowls, and four Pro Bowls. How many Super Bowls does Tony Gonzalez have?
Me: Well, first of all, teams win Super Bowls, not players. TG has none, but, he does have 14 Pro Bowls, is third — as a tight end, no less — in receiving yards, behind only Jerry Rice and Larry Fitzgerald, and holds the record for receiving yards by a tight end (15,127).
He’s a taken aback a bit, realizing I might just know a little bit about football, but he’s not to be detoured.
Patriots Fan: Well, Gronk only played nine seasons…
I cut him off.
Me: Yeah, he’s not that durable, is he? I think he missed 29 games in those nine seasons? TG only missed two games in seventeen seasons. I think he played in, like, 270 games.
Patriots Fan: <Silence>
Me: Gronk also fumbled like four times, losing three of those, right? Tony only fumbled six times, losing only two, in seventeen years, 1,327 touches. That’s almost twice as long as Gronk played.
Patriots Fan: <Silence>
I’m starting to have fun now, but don’t want to end just yet, so I throw him a bone.
Me: I will admit, that Gronk is the greatest tight end currently still active.
This revitalizes him. He orders another. I do the same. He heads to the men’s room. I pride myself on not breaking the seal until the Patriots fan has been vanquished, so I stand, well, ‘pat’. However, I can’t let him get too much satisfaction from my comment. As he walks to the head, I set him on edge.
Me: But, by the time he’s done, Travis Kelce will have broken all of Gronk’s records. Maybe, Tony G’s, too.
He returns. I know that he’s been thinking of comebacks. The ultimate comeback for a Patriots fan is Tom Brady. He’s formulated his arguments in his mind and he’s armed and ready. So he thinks. I strike first.
Me: I’ll bet you think Tom Brady is the GOAT, too, huh?
Patriots Fan: (Many F-Bombs in this rant) Are you kidding me? Brady has six Super Bowls. He’s the greatest quarterback who ever lived.
Me: What about Joe Montana?
Patriots Fan: Joe Montana only won four Super Bowls, Tom Brady has six.
Me: Yeah, but Tom Brady lost three Super Bowls. Joe Montana never lost.
Patriots Fan: But Brady has six rings, Montana only has…
I cut him off again.
Me: Brady won six out of nine Super Bowls. Montana won four out of four Super Bowls. That’s 100% compared to 66%. If it were school, Montana would be Magna Cum Laude, while Brady would … well, he would pass, barely. Also, Montana has never thrown an interception in a Super Bowl. Brady has thrown five. Montana has the greatest SB passer rating ever at 127.8, while Brady isn’t even in the top ten!
Patriots Fan: <More silence with mouth agape>
Me: Also, Brady lost twice to a dude named Eli — Peyton’s kid brother — and once to the Chiefs ex-backup quarterback Nick Foles.
This is too much for our Pats fan. He needs to regroup. Another trip to the men’s room. I can’t let him off that easy. I yell after him.
Me: You know that Patrick Mahomes will have broken any and all Brady records within the next ten years, right?!?
His head droops as he trudged to the head. Whilst there, he conjures up his next argument — Belichick, right? Good luck with that, pal.
When he returns, the conversation goes much like the previous two. I’m reminded about Belichick’s six Super Bowls. I respond that there needs to be asterisks added to them due to the proven cheating allegations. You know, DeflateGate and SpyGate. We banter back and forth about this, but I know there is no middle ground here.
Time to switch tactics. I remind our downtrodden Patriots fan that both the Chiefs and the Patriots both entered the AFL in 1960. I add that during the ten year span of the AFL, the Dallas Texans/Kansas City Chiefs, led by legendary head coach Hank Stram, won the most games (92–50–5) and three championships.
The hapless Boston Patriots, on the other hand — as I tutor him — were the second worst team in the league at 64–69–9 (the Denver Broncos were the worst) and never won a championship.
I’m met with silence, a rather sour look, and double-fisted drinking. This round has been won. Our Patriots fan knows that he’s lost this argument. He doesn’t quite know how, but he knows he’s been bested.
This next part is important. By now, we’ve been talking for about one-and-a-half to two hours. At least three beers and two shots have been had by us, apiece. Since the shots weren’t Tequila, I’m good. This next part depends on him.
He orders again. Cool beans! Round two is on! I order as well. I get up in the direction of the head to finally break the seal (Come on, man, cut me a break… three beers, two shots! My teeth are floating!). However, before I leave, I’ve got to fire the first salvo of round two.
Me: You know, the Cardinals are a lot better baseball team than the Red Sox …
Michael Travis Rose — ArrowheadOne
If you are viewing this in Apple News and would like to join the Discussion, [GO HERE.](http://arrowheadone.com/chiefs-fan-frivolity-goating-a-pats-fan/#disqus_thread)