“The Chop” with Paul Heitman

“The Chop” with Paul Heitman

As I’m writing this, it’s early afternoon, roughly 5:30 PM. I have just finished replacing some slats on my deck, and I’ve microwaved a bowl of chili as a snack. My wife and I have plans to visit Six Flags St. Louis for “Fright Fest,” so the clock is ticking. You don’t care, I know. But I’m telling you anyway.

I guess the point in revealing this to you and providing you with a glimpse into my personal situation, is to let you in on a little secret.

There is so much we don’t know. We don’t know much about each other; what we do on a daily basis, what we say to each other, who we’re most fond of, what our dreams and aspirations are – we just don’t know. This is especially true of our heros – the sports stars that we look up to, even as adults. The guys we love to watch on a daily or weekly basis. The men responsible for a sliver of extra happiness or added despair during the week. We know next to nothing about them.

What do you think Jamaal Charles had for breakfast this morning? Did Cairo Santos have a date last night? Who is Spencer Ware’s favorite ninja turtle (gotta be Raphael, right?)? I HAVE TO KNOW!

We also don’t know what goes on in that locker room from day-to-day. What is the inside scoop from our scouts and coaches? What do they believe will give them an advantage on Sunday? Were there new defensive and offensive installs created based on a weakness they identified in the Saints? What are these installs?

The problem is we don’t know and have a very small chance of ever being exposed to someone who would be in a position to tell us these things, let alone be one of them ourselves. That’s why I get so frustrated with mainstream sports media. First, one of the following two things are almost always true about nearly every “analyst” or “expert”:

1. Expert “A” is the former player. This expert may even possibly be a former quarterback, and certainly understands the game of football very well. That said, this person has absolutely no way of articulating his knowledge, because he’s done nothing but talk football with football guys all his life. Making the fun details about football available to the public is harder than it originally seems, so in the process of dumbing things down, Expert “A” kinda sorta abandons his expertise, making him boring and gimmicky.
   
   

2. Expert “B” is the nerdy guy (or gal) that loves football, but most likely has never played a snap in his or her life. This person is fantastic at articulating his or her thoughts, but is so consumed with storytelling that he or she loses focus on the actual game, deciding instead to follow the story as deep as possible until the hype dies down on whatever said topic is, or a new hype train starts to pull away from the station.

Expert “B” is the person that was overly concerned with Tim Tebow and Johnny Manziel. Both were good in college. Both were terrible in the pros. Both were shoved down our throats for a very long time, while doing absolutely nothing on the field. It’s the chase of the story.

(As a side note, if you actually like the game of football, and can’t stand forced storylines, and you’re NOT visiting insidethepylon.com, you’re doing yourself a serious disservice.)

Why am I talking about this?

No idea. Just kind of felt like putting together a stream-of-consciousness piece for you guys this week. Also felt like venting a bit (hey, I’ve been off a few weeks).

Anyway, you’ve suffered my ramblings enough.

Here be The Chop, peeps.

Random Thought

This election right now is like making me choose between Dwayne Bowe’s season as a Brown, or Larry Johnson’s last two seasons not in KC (Miami and Washington).

Check out these mind-blowing stats

LJ, 2010 & 2011 –> 6 rushes, 4 yards, 0 Touchdowns. (<—2 seasons, people.)

D-Bowe, 2015 –> 5 rec, 53 yds, 0 TDs.

At the end of the day, I’m taking D-Bowe as a Brown. What about you all?

Upset of the Week (you guys are going to hate this one) –

I’ll be honest, I really did pick San Diego over Denver in my pick-em, but didn’t have an article that week, so you guys will never believe me. This week I’m going to have to blow your socks off to make up for it. That said, I’m not going to like making this pick.

I actually have a very bad feeling about the Chiefs at home versus the Saints.

I know, I know, not what you wanted to hear this Sunday morning. But hey, I’m wrong an AWFUL LOT, so perhaps this is the reverse-jynx we needed, right?

Sh*t My Dad Said

Just as I suspected, my Dad did not bounce back from the Steelers game with much confidence. After the first-half missed field goal and subsequent Raiders points, my father launched into a tirade about how he’s sick of watching this team be mediocre year after year, and so on, and so forth. I just looked at my pops and said,

“Well, I mean, Dad, we’re winning. Isn’t that the point?”

Alright buckaroos, tear me a new one for picking the Saints. Make me eat my words. I’m ready. I can handle it.

Until next week.

And that’s The Chop.