Well hello there jerkfaces! (Editor’s Note: he really loves your faces). Your favorite lovable slightly deranged and just a touch off kilter fan writer here! Laddie has graciously allowed me back (by what I can only assume is popular demand) to entertain you heathens (Editors’s Note: he love heathens), so early on your Saturday morning. You probably are reading this in the bathroom aren’t you? Well, since I have a captive audience I can really say whatever I want. Well, within reason I guess. (Editor’s Note: he really does say whatever he wants). Lucky for you there is actually a lot of news to summarize this week and you won’t have to hear my droning on about how awesome I am and how much you all are truly blessed to be witness to my greatness! So without further preamble, and about half as much ado as necessary, here is your Saturday Sum Up!
Broken News: Sammy Signs
The Kansas City Chiefs have signed former Rams wide receiver Sammy Watkins. I’m sure you all have heard, or maybe you haven’t left the bathroom in a long long long long time, Watkins is now a Chief. That means his jersey is red and gold if you weren’t certain. Brett Veach went all in and with one move made the Chiefs wide receiver group the envy of the NFL. All it cost was 48 million over 3 years with 30 guaranteed. If this signing works out it will be a stroke of brilliance, if not we as fans may wonder is Veach just had a real stroke. The main concern with Watkins is he is oft injured. The former Buffalo first round pick is a true elite receiver in the NFL and if his injuries are behind him we will be the steal of free agency. Eat your heart out donkeys.
More Broken News: Hitched to Hitchens
Well Veach has certainly been a busy busy boy. The general manager of the Kansas City Chiefs has finagled another great free agent signing snagging Anthony Hitchens before too many teams had a chance to show their interest. Anthony Hitchens spent his time with the Dallas Cowboys. Now at first glance I had to Google just who the hell Anthony Hitchens was. The only Cowboy linebacker I have heard of is Sean Lee. After several minutes of videos and a trip to Walter Football I was elated! Hitchens is a true run stuffing, heavy hitting, linebacker. Lee may have all the press but I’d bet he wouldn’t have been as successful as he is without Hitchens on the field with him. This is finally a replacement for DJ. With our former linbacker hitting the free agent market after spending his entire career with our beloved Chiefs I had serious concerns about being able to replace his on field production and stability. Well my fears have been resolved. All and all a great signing!
Unbroken News: Tantalizing Tid Bits
- Phillip Gaines is being allowed to test the free agency waters for the first time in his young career. A collective sigh of relief was heard all the way in St. Louis.
- The Kansas City Chiefs have released longtime fan favorite Tamba Hali. Hali will go down as one of the greatest Chiefs players of all time. He has played in 177 games with Kansas City and has tallied 33 fumbles and 89.5 sacks in his illustrious career. It was a bitter sweet moment when I heard the news. Tamba is obviously going to the Chiefs Hall of Fame but his release had been a long time coming. With his leaving we were able to clear millions is cap room and that money afforded us the opportunity to bid on pending free agents. Thank you for everything Tamba.
- Brett Veach has taken his job seriously this offseason and with that in mind he has released Chiefs safety Ron Parker. It has been reported that Parker was given the options of being cut or taking a pay cut. Well we see the ending to that story. I was a fan of Parker and wanted to see him back but I do understand that the NFL is a business and sometimes it comes down to money. Cutting Ron just gave us that much more money to work with this offseason.
Albert Wilson is on the way out and it is reported that he is signing with Miami. I guess my meme with the Wilson volleyball (football, actually) will have to be retired. Well this sucks, do you have any idea how long it took me to save that stupid picture.- Tyler Bray has packed his bags and is leaving on a jet plane. I don’t know if he’ll be back again. Actually I do. He’s not coming back. He’s going to Chicago. Bye bye Bray-by bye bye.
- Terrance Mitchell is moving on to the land of brown and sadness, signing with the Cleveland Browns. I actually liked Mitchell and had high hopes for him.
- Zach Fulton is now a Houston Texan. Meh.
- Jarvis Jenkins has re-signed with the Chiefs. Jenkins is a good rotational player but not an every down starter.
- The Chiefs have tendered a qualifying offer to Rakeem Nunez-Roches thus all but guaranteeing him to be in red and gold this fall.
- De’Anthony Thomas has been re-signed by the Chiefs front office. This is actually a great signing. We needed another shifty receiver to field kicks. Me likey.
- Linebacker Terrance Smith has signed a new contract with the Kansas City front office. Smith is one of Toub’s special team standouts. A decent signing.
- Dustin Colquitt is back baby. He is the best in the biz and I am happy to see him stay in KC. Pinning guys deep is his specialty.
Chad Henne has signed with the Chiefs to be their backup quarterback. Once again, meh.- Jordan Devey, an offensive line backup has been resigned. It’s ok I guess.
- The Chiefs were showing a strong interest in free agent safety Tyrann Mathieu but he signed with the Houston Texans yesterday. Eric Berry paired with Mathieu would have been devastating for opponents.
Albert Wilson is on the way out and it is reported that he is signing with Miami. I guess my meme with the Wilson volleyball (football, actually) will have to be retired. Well this sucks, do you have any idea how long it took me to save that stupid picture.
Chad Henne has signed with the Chiefs to be their backup quarterback. Once again, meh.
Ok guys, that’s all I feel like writing right now. Comment below and let me know how devastated you were when you weren’t able to read my lyrical words last week and how happy I have made you on this awesome Saturday! As always VIVA LA JET SWEEP and GO CHIEFS!
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